Category Archives: Adopted And Happy!

Kill a Kid, Run to New Zealand

Oh look, another little boy who hurt himself to death like Max Shatto did. I don’t want to read another damned word about how people who can have their own children but “can’t” raise them are privileged over those who can afford to purchase someone else’s child, especially if they choose to feed him honey instead of taking him to a doctor, make his care a sixteen-year-old’s problem, blame him and his mother for his own death, and then have the gall to beg for funeral money before bugging out to New Zealand.

And I don’t want to read one word on this blog about how biological parents do this too. They do, and it’s horrible, but adoptive parents are being entrusted with someone else’s child, and that means they should be held to a higher standard. Obviously no parents of any ilk should be allowed to get away with this.

Seven -year-old Seth “ultimately died from an inflamed pancreas and blood disease.” His APs “had issues with going to doctors.”

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Adoption and Masculinity

November is full of Good Adoptees, the cheerleaders for adoption who DARE to STAND UP and parrot the dominant public narrative about adoption as if we couldn’t get that story everywhere and anywhen. Blessing, gift, real parents, better life, blah blah blah. It’s old hat, and it makes it tough to blog in November because one feels one has written about it a million times. So today I want to point out that that I think men and women tend to talk about the blessing of adoption differently.

For one thing, fewer men than women search. My a’bro has told me more than once that he is not interested in knowing where he came from, and that his first mother was a “military slut.” He does not seem to take into account that, unlike mine, his parents were married at the time of his conception and birth. He also doesn’t take into account that, if what his non-ID info says is true, his mother wanted to give him the sweet, sweet gift and blessing of adoption from day one, but his father chose to hold up the process for months not because he wanted to keep his son, but because he wanted to hurt his wife.

I think men often blame women for the evil that men do, and I think male adoptees are no different in this. As evidence, I offer a furious male comment on an article about a good, happy, bestest-ever adoptee who had the gall to find out where she came from even though he, himself did the same damned thing.

Please read the article. It is written by an adoptee so fawning and so Good she even starts with “I’ve always known I was adopted,” as if not having one’s parents lie to one about one’s identity all one’s life is evidence of having The Best APs Ever. Having experienced basic human decency (and a thing experts have been telling APs to do for at least fifty years now) is a low bar, but a Good Adoptee makes sure to congratulate his/her parents for clearing it. So far, so good, probably even in the mind of Furious Male Commentor.

The Very Good Adoptee who wrote the article admits to wondering about her birth family growing up, which is a crime Furious Male Commentor cannot forgive. I say he thinks wondering is her crime because he can’t take her to task for searching: He did that too (but for Virtuous Reasons, as we’ll see).

As it turned out, Good Adoptee’s first father was a hero. She couldn’t find out much about her first mother, so she met her father’s family, which made her feel awkward, especially after her paternal grandparents stopped contacting her. But she was thrilled to meet her half-sisters later on. And she discovered her father regretted relinquishing her and that he had written her a letter saying so. And then she typed the sentences that apparently sent Furious Male Commentor over the edge:

At times, I wanted to push my adoptive parents away. I was so upset about not knowing my birth father.

Never mind that she followed it up with But looking back, meeting my birth family has strengthened my bond with the parents who raised me. She has the gall to end her article with I love having Deena [her father’s widow, not her mother] and my sisters in my life. I’m still coming to grips with the fact that I’ll never know Tom. But because of my ongoing relationship with his widow and daughters, I do feel close to him. She feels close to her dead father. She had feelings and she has feelings. And that means she must be punished by Furious Male Commentor, who says

I too was an adopted only child. I am offended FOR her adoptive parents. I never cared about my bio family. I never had “fantasies” of a heartfelt, tearful reunion with the bio fam.

(Funny, I never had fantasies of a reunion like that, either. I simply wanted to know who I came from and why I was so different from everyone around me, which questions my loyal adopted self did not even ask until I was over twenty.)

I love my adoptive parents

Can’t love your APs and care about your own DNA dont’cha’know, even though searching has been acceptable, even expected, for decades now.  This is so sad. It’s so old and so stale, and I read it and I see a dog standing on its hind legs so someone will give it another treat, I swear I do. Look, unless you say differently, the entire world will assume you love your adoptive parents. Because they’re your Real Parents, right? Right. Then why are you punching air?

and feel as though hoping for something more or better or famous is horribly disrespectful

Read it again. That is not what the author of the article says she did.

to the people who took me in,

“took me in.” I was in a cardboard box in a gutter, I swear, not in the loving arms of a selfless woman who made a beautiful choice for me.

loved me,

NOT LIKE THAT SLUT who cared enough to give me away

and gave me a million

A MILLION. ONE THOUSAND THOUSAND OPPORTUNITIES

opportunities that, otherwise, I’d not have gotten.

I’ve read many missives like this, and am disgusted by them when I do. My adoptive parents were tough, hard people,

oof

but I am better for it. I would not trade them for my bio parents if I could.

You know what? Given what little I know about my biological family, I wouldn’t make that trade either. And nowhere does the author of the article say she would make that trade. Yet she and I still searched: AND SO DID YOU, you hypocrite. How dare you take this woman to task?

I found my maternal bio family when I got married merely because I wanted to find my medical history because m[y] wife and I wanted to have a child.

“Medical history” was my excuse, too, once upon a time. Guess what? I still don’t have it.

My bio mom had committed suicide several years prior. The rest of her family was nice, but vastly different than me. We met, and we’ve not spoken since. I wish them the best, but we’ll never speak again. My adoptive family is my family.

In other words, your experience was similar to the author’s: You searched, and you found one dead parent, one live parent, and a family you didn’t fit into. This apparently resulted in your feeling closer to your adoptive family–you know, kinda like the author felt when she said “meeting my birth family has strengthened my bond with the parents who raised me.” HOW DARE SHE?!?! How DARE that ungrateful–

I ended up with the family that wanted me, and could handle the burden of a child.

“The burden of a child.” Please tell me you haven’t reproduced. Please?

Every time I see a 16-year-old girl with an infant, I am bummed that she

Oh, now we get to it. Now we get to the misogyny inherent in the system. Come and see the misogyny inherent in the system!

(Look, I don’t think every male adoptee who insists he wants to know nothing NOTHING about That Woman is a sexist oaf, just the majority of them. It’s funny, because if that slut hadn’t spread her legs, you wouldn’t exist…and I suspect that’s what angers you so, the fact that a mere “teenage whore” might once have had complete power over the fate of you, a MAN!)

cannot see the value of adoption. Give the child the best, strongest opportunity to be successful.

Which is anywhere but with you, you slut.

Blood “family” be dammed.

Responsibilities of men who have unprotected sex be damned. SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT why wasn’t my daddy a hero? why didn’t he write me a letter? Why?

Give the child the best environment in which to flourish, and young welfare Moms

CONCEIVING CHILDREN PARTHENOGENETICALLY AND LYING ON YOUR ASS EATING BON BONS YOU SLUT

cannot provide it. Love the child enough to adopt them out. Closed adoption.

You gave me away and I want to punish you for that forever, no matter how much it might hurt me–but of course it doesn’t hurt me because I am a man and I have no feelings about my first mother at all. None. Couldn’t care less. That’s why I looked for you.

Let them succeed. Don’t be selfish.

Try to convince me otherwise.

I wouldn’t dream of it, Sir. Lower your manly fists, please.

You know what, Furious Male Commentor? I would love to have discovered that one of my parents was an actual national hero (or even someone whose inclination, talents and temperament resembled mine in some way). And a letter saying s/he regretted giving me up would be a precious artifact to me. I wish very much that I had been born in a time and a place wherein open records were available. Unlike you, I care about these things, and I have feelings about them.

Yet I am not angry at my first parents or at this young woman. You are. Try to convince me otherwise.

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Filed under Adopted And Happy!, AdoptoLand, Misognyny, NaBloPoMo

Say It Isn’t So

This is garden variety Daily Mail bullshit, right? I mean, it reads like an April Fool’s day article that tries and fails to be funny.

I mean, pretty much every word was designed to be infuriating, right? WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS THIS?!?!

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Every Disgusting, Self-Centered AP Cliche Ever

can be found in this article, which the snurchin will entitle Adoption Fills Gaping Hole in Already-Reasonably-Complete Fort Collins Family Ye Gods How They Must Have Suffered! It’s an oldie (June 2015) about a couple who adopted the man’s cousin’s baby.

Cliche 1) APs are selfless, which is why the cost of their charity is your child. Mary and Kevin only wanted to help a woman in need: The couple began talking about how they could help Lexa — a two-time leukemia survivor with dreams of becoming a nurse — raise a child and still attend college in the fall. I swear to you I am not making this up.

2) Relinquishing mothers (like all women in our society) are either virgins or sluts. In this case, the mother is innocent rather than sinful because she is  related to Kevin, the much-smarter adoptive father: “She was a great kid who was so kind that she didn’t recognize a wolf,” Kevin said. “He ended up taking some money from her and giving her Matt.” I wonder: If she weren’t your cousin, Kevin, would she be “a great kid” who got pregnant by being too “kind,” or an irresponsible slut who shouldn’t have spread her legs?

3) Antiquated shaming language: “Wolf”? Really, who’s used this metaphor since the 1940s? Does that say something about the mental landscape adoption narratives are stuck in or does it? And “Kid”? If your cousin really was a kid when this happened, then someone should have realized a rape had taken place and contacted the authorities rather than offering to relieve her of her baby, shouldn’t they?

4) The adoption fairy or god or fate or something, anything but the APs decided they should adopt. They talked about letting Lexa live with them and helping out with Matthew while she was in class. Then the thought slipped out of Mary’s mouth: “Or we could adopt.” Oops teehee! Why, I had truly forgotten we have no children and have always wanted one. I don’t know where that came from. The thought of adopting had never crossed my mind…until just now, when we gained a sudden power imbalance over a young woman who could give us just the kind of fresh white pretty baby we want. How crazy is that kind of coincidence, really? I just happened to say “we could adopt.” I mean how wild is that?!?!?!?!?

(And isn’t it interesting that this is the point at which the A’mom chooses to justify their decision with “We really wanted her to have that future” and “She deserved to have a life”?)

5) The first mother’s opinion matters not: They decided to take her baby before considering consulting her. “The decision was made as soon as she said it, as long as Lexa wanted that,” Kevin said perhaps adding everything after the comma when the interviewer lifted an eyebrow.

6) Adoption magically fixes your infertility, perhaps because you Just Stopped Worrying About It! I know this couple who and blah blah blah this one has been going around forever, and it’s hurtful, and people need to fucking stop it. Mary soon found out she was pregnant with their daughter Ashley, who is about three months younger than Matthew.

7) MINE MINE MINE MINE SNIP SNIP SNATCH When Matthew was born, Kevin cut his umbilical cord. Mary was the first to hold him.

8) Coercion: It’s bee yoo tee ful, especially when you do it to your own family: But having the children so close in age allowed for a unique bond between Lexa and the couple, who went through birthing classes together and remained close during Lexa’s and Mary’s pregnancies. I have no words for how creepy this is.

9) A Real True open adoption, really! But we’re not saying how open. Lexa, who is now an oncology nurse in Colorado Springs, remains involved in Matthew’s life….somehow.

10) Babies are presents! As for Kevin and Mary, Matthew is the “most amazing gift” the couple has ever received, they said.

11) There are no first fathers. There are only undeserving sperm donors. We’re not told whether or not “the donor wolf” knows his child exists. “If I ever meet the male donor, as I call him, I would punch him and then give him the biggest hug in the world,” Kevin said.

12) Adopted children are to be taken at face value when they, aged six, recite the spiel they were taught. It proves they are happy, well-adjusted, and so, so much better off than they would have been with their idiotic and/or slutty mothers: “When I was adopted, Lexa was too young to have a baby, so my mom and dad adopted me,” [Matthew] parroted explained. “They take care of me.”

13) Adopted children even..well, you know where this is going:“I feel like he chose us,” Mary added. Shame he had to cause your cousin so much suffering to do it, huh Mary? What’s that? You don’t care about Lexa’s suffering? Yeah, we knew that.

14) This story is so heartwarming and special and unique that the whole world needs to know about it! –Seriously, why is this on the internet? The kid is six years old.

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I Am the Product of Societal Attitudes About Adoption!

Oh look, an adoptee who loves her closed adoption. That’s not ordinary or expected at all.

This one hit me hard where it counts.

So I don’t feel very eloquent about it. I can’t mock this mess or dismantle it paragraph by paragraph right now. All I have to say about it is this: The information this woman takes so much for granted that she can loft it about as evidence for her soopaspecial loyalty to her adoptive family is more than I will ever know, after years of searching, about myself and my origins.

I AM NOT GLAD TO BE THE PRODUCT OF A CLOSED ADOPTION. I will never know my first father’s name. I’m sorry this entry is so short, and I’ll do better tomorrow, but I could just fucking choke on this woman’s glibness.

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Unfairness in Adoption

It’s so unfair! says an anonymous author. And she should know, because she is both an adoptive and a biological mother (because, as she explains, she wanted to have it both ways: There’s no point in bringing children into a world wherein so many don’t have homes, but she wanted her own, too, which is not hypocritical double dipping, but “normal.”)

Her beef with adoption is that people who make their own kids don’t get scrutinized the way adoptive parents do. And that’s not unfair, I mean really, she was glad to jump through all those hoops she bitches about and lists in detail. What’s unfair is that bad people who have their own kids don’t get scrutinized. And that’s crazy, because bad people are born with BAD PERSON (or perhaps GANG MEMBER) written on their faces so we know exactly who to force the birth control and/or sterilization surgeries on (bad people never become good, after all). Bad people, should they be allowed to have children, will abuse and kill them. Unsupported assumption: Adopted parents do not abuse or kill their children because the scrutiny is just that good.

adotion doge
But we’re not finished yet. Adoption is unfair to the only party to an adoption that matters (the APs) in other ways, too. Like, it’s so unfair for “caretakers” to choose a nonwhite couple for a minority child just because our white supremacist society makes it essentially impossible for white people to understand what minority children face. “More suitable”? “Loss of identity”? The kids say the loss of their culture matters to them?! OH SPARE ME.

Finally, sometimes a heartbroken child who will never see any part of her face mirrored in any other human face can be such a brat. How dare she fail to recognize how unfair that is to her A’mom, who has an entire family of faces that mirror hers?! It’s just not fair!

PS: Yesterday’s post seems to have been posted and then unposted. No idea what happened, but it’s up again now.

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I’ll Just Leave This Here.

Now snark away, snark away, SNARK AWAY, ALL!

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5 Things You Can Do to Show Your Adopted Parents You Love Them

Returning the love is vital in all relationships.

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When you were adopted, it wasn’t just your parents who adopted you to be their child. You also adopted them to be your parents. If you were a baby, you obviously didn’t have a say in it, but people who cared about you did. They made sure you ended up in a stable home with parents who would love and care for you your whole life. Or you may have been an older child wanting, even pleading, for someone to adopt you. Either way, you were fortunate enough to be brought by loving parents into a family, just as though you had been born there.

My husband and I are parents of five adopted children, so I know how it feels to be an “adopted mom.” When our kids were little, we loved holding them and tucking them into bed with stories and songs. Some days, I was completely exhausted caring for three little ones under 3 years old. Yes, you heard right. Once we started adopting, we went for it, and God blessed us with these three in three years. I loved being their mom. Two more came along later.

Through the years, they’ve all expressed their love for us in many sweet ways. Here are just few of the things they’ve done that let us know they love us. I could list many more, but this will do for now.

5 Things Our Kids Do to Make Sure We Know We’re Loved

  1. They call us.

When we adopted our first child, a tiny baby boy we named Michael, we were happy beyond words. For years we had wanted a baby but could not give birth to our own. Holding this sweet baby in my arms and knowing he was mine was a dream come true. We cannot express the love we feel for this son. He’s a grown man with children of his own now. And what a blessing he is to us! Now here’s the fun part. Even though he lives hundreds of miles away, he calls us every week at least once, sometimes more. Last time he called, which was just two days ago, he said, “Just checking in on you and Dad. Are you doing OK? I sure do love you.”  How do you think that made us feel? He worries about us and always makes sure we’re doing well. That’s what a good son does. It puts a big smile on our faces every time.

We love it when he shares his life with us, tells us about his job and what he and his wife did for fun that week, or shares a hard time he might be going through. Then he asks us what we’ve been up to. He cares. We wish he lived closer, but with today’s technology we keep in touch quite well. He’s a computer geek and keeps us updated on the latest, including how to use Skype. We love seeing his face as we talk. It’s fun when his wife wanders into the room and says “hi” to us, too. They have a cute little dog that we call our granddog. Sometimes when we’re talking, she climbs up on his lap and vies for the camera. It’s so cute. We almost feel like we’re there. As for his kids, they grew up. The fun part is, they call and check on us, too. We love this sweet family he’s given us.

  1. They thank us for hanging in there during the tough times.

When our daughter Lynda was a young teenager, she was a bit difficult (and so were the others at times). She didn’t like our rules. Sound normal? Yes, she was pretty normal in that department. So we had to learn how to discipline her with love. Sometimes it was really challenging. There were a few times we heard the words, “I hate you!” It hurt, but we knew she didn’t really mean it.

I made some mistakes along the way. After all, I had never been a mom before, so I wasn’t all that good at it at first. Even as they grew I still made mistakes. But I kept trying my best to be a good mom. That’s what moms do. We keep on doing the best we know how.

Now here’s the interesting part. Lynda now has a daughter who gives her fits just like she gave us. It makes me chuckle a little inside when she calls and says, “How can she do that to me?! After all I’ve done for her.” Deja vu. I know exactly how she feels. Then she says, “Thanks, Mom, for hanging in there with me when I was such a brat.” I promise her that it will all work out well if she just hangs in there with her daughter, like it has for us.

A few weeks ago this daughter moved about six hours away to a new home. Last week, she sent me a card (well, us—she loves her daddy, too, so it was for both of us). It was cute, with an adorable dog holding a smiling sun. The card said, “You are my sunshine! Thinking of you, both of you.” Then she wrote a sweet message, which in part said, “Just wanted to drop a quick note and let you know how much I love and miss you.”  I love that she sent the card because I can save it. She calls and sends me text messages, too, but you can’t put them in a scrapbook.

  1. They thank us for adopting them.

Many years ago when our other daughter Carol was about 12 years old, something happened that I’ve never forgotten. It was a simple thing, but it meant the world to her father and me. Let me set the stage by telling you that this daughter is mentally disabled. She spent her school years in special education classes. She endured ridicule from insensitive “friends.” Her life has been challenging, for her and us. Through it all, our love is real and never-ending. Here’s what this special child said to me that day as we sat in our living room. I can’t remember what we were doing, but, like I said, I’ll never forget what she said.

She looked up at me and, out of the blue, said, “Thank you for adopting me. No one else would want me.” I assured her again of how much we love her. It broke my heart to think she would say that no one else would want her. But it touched me deeply to hear her thanking us for adopting her. It was way beyond her years and her mental capacity to think like that. She would surprise us every now and then with statements that belied her mental condition. We knew that inside her is a whole person we will someday know in a life beyond this one. In the meantime, we continue to do all we can to make her life as whole as it can be in her situation.

  1. They send us cards with loving messages.

When we receive greeting cards on special days from our youngest son, who is now a principal of an elementary school, he always writes personal messages to us. On my birthday this year he sent me a beautiful card. The best part was the hand-written message at the bottom. He wrote, “I hope you have a happy birthday. I love you and appreciate all you have taught me and do for me. Love, your son, Paul.” Alongside was another endearing message from his sweet wife. I am always filled with overflowing gratitude at these cards and messages.

  1. They call us their “real” parents.

Our son, John, filled my heart with warmth and love the day he told his younger brother that when friends ask him if he wants to meet his real mother some day he says, “I’ve already met her. Every day when I come home from school, she’s there with snacks for me. That’s my real mother.” I love that he feels that way because that’s what I consider myself. I can’t imagine having any children besides these precious ones that heaven brought into our home.

We feel so blessed to have these five delightful, interesting, caring children as our own. And we’re getting the message that they feel the same about us. That’s what I call happiness.

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AUTHOR / Joy Lundberg  

Joy Lundberg and her husband, Gary, are the parents of 5 children, all of whom were adopted. They are also the proud grandparents of 20 grandchildren. Joy is a prize-winning lyricist and has written/co-written several books and articles about marriage and families with her husband. Learn more about her on their website.

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Filed under Adopted And Happy!, AdoptoLand, General Ignoramitude, Sad and beautiful, Stop Saying That, The Adoption Process Moral Pedestal, WTF?!, You're going to Hell for this.