What a crappy metaphor.

OW.

OW! QUIT IT!

YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOTHER!

Adopted All Year Round

Adopted FB friend Nobody recently hatched the brilliant notion of adoption related greeting cards, and my brain ran all over the calendar. My spiky holiday cards for the adopted:

JANUARY
Happy Martin Luther King Day! Want your civil rights? [opens card] “Wait.” You bet your ass that means “never.”

FEBRUARY
Happy Valentine’s Day! [opens card] Still choosing shitty romantic partners because you know they won’t leave you, eh?

Happy President’s Day! [opens card] No, we won’t commemorate it by issuing your “long form” birth certificate.

MARCH
Happy Birthday! [opens card] …if it is your real birthday. How would you know, ya poor sap?

APRIL
Happy Easter! He Is Risen [opens card] and He still wants to know who His real father is.

Happy Arbor Day! [opens card] even though your family tree is rootless and grafted.

MAY
Happy Gotcha Day! Adoption Is Nothing to Be Ashamed Of! [opens card] That’s why we never speak of it.

JUNE
Happy Flag Day! [opens card] We’re sending you to culture camp so you can wave a Chinese one this year.

Happy Father’s Day! [opens card] Got those DNA results yet?

JULY
Happy Independence Day! [opens card] NOT. You’ll be an adopted *child* forever!

SEPTEMBER
Happy Labor Day! [opens card] Have fun inventing your birth story.

OCTOBER
Happy Columbus Day! [opens card] Don’t you DARE discover one single thing.

Happy Halloween! [opens card] You’ll be wearing that same old Real Daughter/Son costume again this year, won’t you?

NOVEMBER
Happy Thanksgiving! [opens card] you insufficiently grateful bastard you.

DECEMBER
Happy Chanukah! [opens card] Well, you are circumcised. Ya never know! and you never will.

Merry Christmas! [opens card] Looks like Santa delivered the pony to your first family’s home by mistake again this year.