“I always had faith that the right baby would find [my family]. I’ve always felt that children choose their parents, and Eloise found me a different way.”
I’ve always felt that people who claim children choose their natural parents are probably harmless woo woo kookypants types who connect it to reincarnation and all that. I’ve also always felt that adoptive parents who claim their children chose them have a special Hell awaiting them, and that it’s worse than the one reserved for those who talk at the theater.
But then I had a Past Life Regression done, and the scales dropped from my eyes. Here’s how I found my parents. You guys are never gonna believe this, but, cue flashback music….
Snurchin: Oof, what was that?
Anubis: I’m sorry, little Hedgehog, but you never did get your head out of that McFlurry cup. I’m afraid you dehydrated to death while ineffectively backing in circles. On the bright side, the McFlurry cup has since been redesigned to be hedgehog safe.
Snurchin: Cold comfort that. I liked being a hedgehog. Now what’ll I be?
Anubis: Well, dying for a few licks of dairy-based snack containing cookie bits generally gets you promoted to House Cat, but that pun got you booted back down to Human Being. It’s right here in the Book.
Snurchin: Shit.
Anubis: You wanna try for Veal Calf?
Snurchin: No, Sir….Why am I talking to You anyway? I was Irish.
Anubis: It’s the PoMo era. Death gods are assigned randomly now. Just find yourself a vessel…and watch your mouth.
Snurchin: Human Being, Human Being. Wow, there are millions of’em. The USA looks pretty hip. Bob Dylan is getting high with the Beatles at the Delmonico….Aw, gimme the South. Being twenty years behind the rest of the country looks great!
Anubis [flips pages]: Wait–apparently you did get out of the cup. Then you lurched onto an Ulster country lane and a car ran over your head.
Snurchin: Is that why everything looks so blurry?
Anubis [checks watch*, shrugs]: Just pick someone, willya? You’re not the only thing just died.
Snurchin: Kay. Hey, how abo-out…that lady? She’s having fun.
Anubis: You don’t want to do that. That woman doesn’t want to give birth now. And she isn’t married, so socie–
Snurchin: Oh, sure she does. She’s babymaking, isn’t she? [tiny hedgehog fist pump] Woo! Wooooo!
Anubis [flips pages]: It also appears the McFlurry in question had fermented. That McFlurry that appeared in [checks watch] August of 1964. Not remotely possible. Anyway, Human Beings engage in intercourse for any number of reasons not connected with repro–
Snurchin: Hi Mommylady! Hahaha, lookit’er go!
Anubis: OK, seriously, you don’t want to do this. You’ll get illegally aborted, or raised by people who resent you, or that other thing.
Snurchin: What other thing?
Anubis: Adopted. Other kids will make fun of you and you’ll grow up feeling you don’t belong anywhere.
Snurchin: I can take it. I got spines!
Anubis: You will not have spines when you’re human. And that woman? You’ll probably never even meet her once you’re born. She’ll be traumatized, maybe for years, [flips pages] and she never did anything to deser–Oh my. That wasn’t very good at all. Three lifetimes ago, and it hasn’t rebounded yet. Who was in charge of that incarnation anyway? [flips page] Uh oh.
Snurchin: I won’t have spines? Maybe I should pick someone else.
Anubis: Never mind. Have at her! [shoves Snurchin Earthward] Too bad. If that had been an M & Ms McFlurry, she’d be a Bodhisattva now.
Obviously any none-too-bright, starved, dehydrated, intoxicated soul that had recently had its skull crushed would choose this. I don’t know what excuse the rest of you bastards have. 😉
GET IT OFF ME!
*Like Universe Man’s, Anubis’ watch has a minute hand, a millennium hand and an eon hand. The minute hand makes him very impatient.
Disclaimer: McFlurries didn’t exist at the time of my conception. I just thought it was nice of them to change the cups.
Disclaimer 2: Hedgehogs digest dairy products rather poorly, and should not eat ice cream.
Adopto-Snark 