Monthly Archives: March 2013

A Phrase I Have Come To Detest

“Open to adoption.”

Here’s what it most often means in “news stories:” I am or used to be a celebrity of some sort, but nobody’s looking at me right now, and that can’t be. I’ve scored an interview, but I don’t have a new project to push yet. Hm. How can be sure to get a press release out there so people will remember who I am?…I know! I’ll adopt!

No screw that, adoption’s hard. I’ll say I’m open to adoption. Open to the idea of adoption. Yes, I am absolutely open to the idea of adoption. Stop the presses! Everybody look at ME! I’m special because I’ve done nothing and plan to do nothing! Isn’t that sweeeeet?

Sometimes it means, We want to adopt. If we use this magical phrase, we’ll get a kid.”

Or it meansOpen for business.”

But every time I hear or read it, I read this: “Hey, if someone, like, threw a cute little baby at me, I’d totally catch it. I’d probably even keep it and let my staff [or in the case of the Duggars, my older daughters] raise it right and everything. You’re looking at me now, aren’t you?”

So fucking what? You want a cookie? I mean, I thought really hard about joining the Peace Corps for like an entire minute when I was young, and nobody tells me how awesome I am for almost having done something.

And yes, I remain open to the idea of being a Royal Wizard in a long blue robe covered with golden owls. [looks about expectantly] Shit.



Filed under AdoptoLand, Celebri-tease, General Ignoramitude, Those Wacky PAPs

What the World Thinks of Our Mothers

They’re stupid and evil and they live in the sewers where no news of any kind can reach them. For all I know, they think shoes are little houses for mice and Christmas is for boiling. Just ask this anonymous Craigslist Ranter and/or Raver! (Also, they are black and their children would be happier with white people. Just look at the photo!)

You might retain a bit of your sanity and your temper if you imagine the below being read by one of Monty Python’s Gumby characters.

People need to start thinking more about adoption.

Interestingly enough, Our Ranter begins by referring to the inhuman incubator-thingies that owe good people babies as “people.” He means, of course, “women,” who for purposes of this discussion are not people at all. This is why I’ve decided Our Ranter is male: if he isn’t, she should be.

People think about adoption all the time, Sir. People think about how cute orphans are and how Jesus wants them to have one. People think about the unfairness with which god assigned infertility all the time. People read about celebrity adoptions and they read stories in the newspaper about a local family’s quest to have a jillion yard sales so they can bring Baby Madison home from Ethiopia all. The. Time. What people don’t do so much anymore is give away their babies, because they don’t want to and nobody’s leaning all over them to do so anymore…if they’re lucky. How dare they? How DARE these people get pregnant and not consult you as to the fate of the conceptus, Mister Ranter and/or Raver?!

There is a baby shortage in this country.

NO. THERE. IS. NOT. Nobody owes anyone else a baby. It is not tragic or sinful that millions of women have, since 1973, taken control of their own reproductive lives. It’s wonderful!

More people need to stop wondering what benefits they will get if they keep their baby and think of what kind of life they want to give their child.

Maybe more people need to stop obsessing over the adoption tax credit and consider letting someone else with more money adopt the kid they want to adopt, too, eh? No, that’s crazy. All people who want to adopt are virtuous beyond the dreams of any gutter slut who got herself knocked up out of wedlock, and who now sits in the dark somewhere clutching that baby and drooling about all the Welfare she’s going to get by raising him in a cage and feeding him bugs. Birth mothers are special, selfless, loving Oh who are we fooling here?!

What Our Ranter is saying is that black women shouldn’t be allowed to keep their babies. Of course there are many more white women than black on welfare, but what color is a”Welfare queen”? What color, in the average American mind, is a woman so scummy she’d give birth just to get some money? She definitely exists, and by the millions, because otherwise USAians would pay no taxes at all, but she ain’t white. That means she probably knows damned well her baby would be a PAP’s second, third, or even-more-distant-from-first choice. She also may know her baby will have a lower price tag than other, whiter babies. Maybe she doesn’t believe your bullshit about how people who’ll settle for her cheap, inferior child can raise it better than she can. Hey, speaking of money:

Also, consider that many families will cover your expenses (even living/rent) if you place your baby for adoption instead of having an abortion. There are a LOT of great families out there who want a baby. They often pay $30,000. and sometimes even $50,000. just to be parents.

They have stuff you don’t. That makes it your duty to make them happy. So STOP, Women of America! STOP thinking about all the “benefits” you could get for your child NOT! (Why is “Welfare” a benefit and “your share of the adoption fees which are totally not selling your baby” not a benefit? What makes this schmuck think he can fool women into thinking they get all the money the lawyers and agencies get? WHAT PLANET IS THIS?!)

These are people who own homes, have good jobs,

Which you, People-Women-Things who are getting pregnant without having a daddy around, do not. Not one of you. Not a single woman in the history of everything who got pregnant but didn’t get married has ever owned a house or had a job worth spitting on and you know it, you hussies. Hand over the babies! People who are richer than you want them!

have passed background checks and who have taken parenting classes.

Did YOU have to do that before you had sex, you filthy slut? DID YOU?!?!?!?

It’s time for people

women I don’t approve of, I mean

to stop being selfish

and wanting to raise their own kids, just like they’re real people who really have money! Horrific! Unbelievable! It’s almost as if they could feel love, but we know that’s not true.

and start thinking of the welfare of babies being born

to women on Welfare. (Yes, there’s a reason I keep saying welfare and benefits: you bitches are on welfare and you don’t deserve benefits!) Benefits are not for people who really need them: poor ones, black ones, brown ones. Those inferior people need to give me a baby NOW. I have a perfect right to raise the kind of person I currently cross the street to avoid!

(or not having the chance of birth)

A baby that never got born is….um…nothing. Not the weeping ghost of an embryo berating its “mother” from heaven. Simply nothing. Not. A not-baby is not a baby.

in this country instead of just thinking of themselves, how they will look to others or what they can get out of becoming a “parent”.

FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS BITCHEZ! Why won’t you stop thinking of the money and THINK OF THE MONEY?! And you know you can’t be a parent. You can’t, whoever you are. You had the gall to reproduce, which makes you a parent, which means you totally don’t deserve to be one.

There is a shortage of babies!

No there fucking well is not! What there is, is a special circle of Hell for anyone who ever says this. People are not products, and nobody owes anyone a baby. What we have a shortage of is people who understand other people’s boundaries. What we have a shortage of is people who understand that other people are people and not means to their end of “growing a family.”

Only 20,000 babies are adopted in the states each year, but about 200,000 people are trying to adopt.

I don’t give a single fuck. Adoption was supposed to be about the children. Why don’t YOU go make them some babies? Why aren’t you fucking a woman you can control completely for the next nine or so months right now, Sir? Isn’t it your patriotic duty? Actually, the way the numbers seem to add up, you should have a dungeon of ten captive women you’re raping right now to make your share of all those missing babies. And are you doing it? Are you raping ten women right now? No, you’re sitting there writing a Craigslist rant!  Evil prick! People with money are waiting!

Many never will because of the cost and the lack of babies. Their chances of becoming parents are thwarted by not only their infertility but also because selfish women who will be terrible mothers keep their children.

You know what, fuck you. How can you tell which women are the terrible mothers who only kept their kids out of “selfishness”? You can’t. You see a poor woman or a loud woman or a woman who slaps her kid in the supermarket or a woman who argues with you or a minority woman, and you think “Bitchez shouldn’t be allowed to have kids” because you and you alone, Mister Ranter and/or Raver, are the Decider in Matters Parental. (And selfishness?! Does this person have any idea what it is to raise a child? how very much giving one does? No, it’s all take, take, take, candy and cake! ….when you’re a good, ie.e., adoptive parent. Only bad, selfish parents have to spend time with their children or change their diapers or hear them ask “Why?” seventy thousand times. Trufax!)

Meanwhile, my chances of having a second husband are thwarted by the evil, selfish legion of bitches out there who won’t give me their husbands. How dare they not give me theirs? Don’t they care that there’s a chance I have a house and a good job? Selfish jerks!

In 2008 1.21 million abortions were performed in the US.

Do you know what that means, O lover of babies and hater of women? It means one-third of USAian women in our childbearing years will have an abortion. Approximately one-third of the women you know have had or will have abortions. Was it your mother, Mr, Ranter? Will it be your sister, Mr. Raver? Your girlfriend, friend, cousin, teacher, aunt? You’ll never know, because they all know better than to tell your sorry, shallow, high and mighty judgmental ass. And you’ll go on believing that you and those around you are a finer breed of human than those people who have the nerve to make babies and not give them to the rich, or to have sex and get pregnant and not have a baby, or to get raped and not have the baby and/or not give it away. (Say, it’s almost like women can’t win with you, innit?)

In the early 70’s almost half of all unplanned pregnancies were brought to term and the babies were placed for adoption. Not anymore!

GOOD! Women have bodily autonomy now, sort of. Good, good, good, good, GOOD! I’m going to find your harem, and I’m going to release all ten of those women, and I’m going to tell them exactly where Planned Parenthood is, and I’m going to end ALLLLLL the adoptions MuAAHahahahaaaa!

Now people

by which I mean bitchez

just abort or live off of the government

Why are both these things equally wrong? Because they mean no baby for Mr. Ranter (or his friends or whoever in his life wants one so fucking bad he has to tell Craigslist all about it). OR because these are both the actions of Bad Women, and Mr. Ranter is a Ms. who needs us all to know she is not a Bad Woman and never will be. No, Ms. Ranter is one of the Good Women: the kind who laugh at rape jokes are almost as good as a man (and twice as decorative!) so long as there aren’t any actual men around. If the ranter is a Ms., she’s the kind who (and they try so hard, it’s so cute!) thinks she can somehow be accepted as a person without busting her ass to change the repressive society she’s beginning to suspect she’s trapped in. But change is hard and scary, so she’ll just point at the other women and yell Sluts! Because if you do that often enough and loudly enough, you’ll grow a penis of your very own.

instead of actually considering the fact that adoption is an option

Things that rhyme in four words or fewer are always true and are never complicated. (If they were complicated, I wouldn’t be able to cram them into four words! I don’t understand how you people can not know this. Nothing is really “complicated” anyway, that’s just your excuse for being sluts!)

and a bad situation

i.e., being pregnant when I think you don’t deserve to be, no matter how happy and well-prepared you are

could become a good one

for whom?

by thinking of others.

And shouldn’t you always, always always be thinking of others, women? You know you should. That sure is a nice Everything you have there. I’ve always wanted an Everything like that. And I can afford to buy it, which makes you duty bound to give it to me. …What do you mean, that makes no sense?

Adoption is something we don’t talk about enough in this country!

Oh, shut up.

This is how the average person with an average amount of knowledge about adoption in the US feels about it. My mother is still an irresponsible slut and I am still a trinket to be awarded to the worthy. Someone do tell me again how very much our attitudes about adoption have changed?


Filed under AdoptoLand, General Ignoramitude, It Can't Be Racist. I Didn't Use the N-word Once!, Misognyny, Stop Saying That, WTF?!