I Am the Product of Societal Attitudes About Adoption!

Oh look, an adoptee who loves her closed adoption. That’s not ordinary or expected at all.

This one hit me hard where it counts.

So I don’t feel very eloquent about it. I can’t mock this mess or dismantle it paragraph by paragraph right now. All I have to say about it is this: The information this woman takes so much for granted that she can loft it about as evidence for her soopaspecial loyalty to her adoptive family is more than I will ever know, after years of searching, about myself and my origins.

I AM NOT GLAD TO BE THE PRODUCT OF A CLOSED ADOPTION. I will never know my first father’s name. I’m sorry this entry is so short, and I’ll do better tomorrow, but I could just fucking choke on this woman’s glibness.

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14 Comments

Filed under Adopted And Happy!, AdoptoLand, NaBloPoMo

14 responses to “I Am the Product of Societal Attitudes About Adoption!

  1. Lara/Trace

    Reblogged this on ☀️ army of one ☀️ and commented:
    Snark hit my heart with this

  2. I’m only half way done with it, but two things. At 28 she is so sure she’ll never change her mind ever. Ever. Um, shortsighted much? I’m definitely not thinking the same thoughts at 46 as I was at 28. And two, she in therapy. If adoption is so wonderful and her parents are great, what’s with the therapy? (I know, it could be anything…but still.)

  3. Heather

    Sending cyber hugs to you

  4. Brent Snavely

    Her blurb was quite superficial… I suspect “adoption issues” were at least part of the reason she went into therapy.

  5. Julie

    “When sitting in therapy one day,”

    Yep, closed adoption is great. She’s totally well adjusted. SMH

    I respect her right to not have any interest in her origins – some people just don’t. But I resent the underlying tone that implies she’s a “good adoptee” for feeling this way.

    I also bet every one of the 200+ “shares” of that article are adoptive parents, or adoptees sucking up to their adoptive parents.

    • The “this is the one and only right way to feel about having been adopted” tone bugs me, too.

      OTOH, I want to take this opportunity to say I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being in therapy. She might be there for adoption issues she doesn’t yet recognize, and she might be there for any number of other reasons.

  6. yan

    I could have written that. At 20, at 25, maybe even at 28 or 30. I was FINE with adoption. Until I wasn’t. And all the repressed feelings and all the holes and gaps and needs finally showed up.

    I think when adoptees protest too much, “I’m FINE. I’M FINE.” then you know that the fog is getting thin and there is a hard road ahead of them.

    • Hell, I might have written it at 20.

      And I think you’re onto something…when we need to defend something vigorously, sometimes that’s because we’re starting to realize it requires defending, i.e., that it can be questioned.

  7. The fog is strong with this one….

    I’M HAPPY!! CAN’T YOU SEE HOW HAPPY I AM?????

  8. cb

    She certainly has bought into the “good adoptees don’t need to know their origins” stereotype hasn’t she. She seems to think that we adoptees who are interested have grown up different to her.

    I note she says this: “But as I grew older, I found that people got more and more comfortable asking me uncomfortable questions.”
    Why would the questions be so “uncomfortable” if she is so secure in herself? Even though some questions make me roll my eyes, I don’t really mind people asking questions – perhaps it is because they are the better than the “statements” – i.e. the ones where others TELL you how you should feel. In any event, the particular questions she refers to are ones that I don’t find uncomfortable.

    As others have said, it is the type of post that many APs would drool over.
    There is usually particular love for:
    1) Adoptees who have no interest at all in contact – it apparently doesn’t matter why – just the fact that they don’t want contact makes them a “well adjusted” adoptee. I was on a FB forum where one commenter said about her “happy adoptee husband” and how she hopes her child is as happy as her husband yet further down she mentions about her husband not wanting contact because “they didn’t want me, why would I want anything to do with them”. I always find it “intriguing” also that so many APs in open adoption always quote their closed adoption friends who “never want contact” as being their ideal – that is not going to be their own situation – they are going to have “real birthparents” in their life as opposed to “abstract” ones. They also don’t understand that the not wanting to know is just a human reaction to a situation – i.e. for many adoptees, they just want to live the live they are living and not deal with things they know nothing about. I did that for most of my life – it is normal – but it is not necessarily are sign of “adoption success” but more about human nature.

    2) There is also love for those who slag off their bparents. Now sometimes the bparents deserve to be slagged off (i.e. if they have treated the adoptee bad as a child or in reunion) but other times, it may be the adoptee putting a negative spin on what seems like normal behaviour.

    On the other hand, if the adoptee cares about both families and has complelx feelings about them – they are an angry bitter disgruntled adoptee.

    To me, I can’t get that angry at the adoptees – as your heading points out, they are just a product of what is expected of them. It is those who enable them.

    We are so often sent mixed messages about how we should behave. Now, most parents would hope that their child grows up to be compassionate human beings but with adoptees, that compassion isn’t allowed to extend to bfamily – in fact, the more one despises one’s bparents, the more well adjusted one is.

  9. cb

    One question I’ve always wanted to ask is – “what would be your reaction, if your bparents contacted you?”. Would they treat them with respect (i.e. be kind even if they didn’t want a relationship) or would they slam the door in their face in horror?

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