Unfairness in Adoption

It’s so unfair! says an anonymous author. And she should know, because she is both an adoptive and a biological mother (because, as she explains, she wanted to have it both ways: There’s no point in bringing children into a world wherein so many don’t have homes, but she wanted her own, too, which is not hypocritical double dipping, but “normal.”)

Her beef with adoption is that people who make their own kids don’t get scrutinized the way adoptive parents do. And that’s not unfair, I mean really, she was glad to jump through all those hoops she bitches about and lists in detail. What’s unfair is that bad people who have their own kids don’t get scrutinized. And that’s crazy, because bad people are born with BAD PERSON (or perhaps GANG MEMBER) written on their faces so we know exactly who to force the birth control and/or sterilization surgeries on (bad people never become good, after all). Bad people, should they be allowed to have children, will abuse and kill them. Unsupported assumption: Adopted parents do not abuse or kill their children because the scrutiny is just that good.

adotion doge
But we’re not finished yet. Adoption is unfair to the only party to an adoption that matters (the APs) in other ways, too. Like, it’s so unfair for “caretakers” to choose a nonwhite couple for a minority child just because our white supremacist society makes it essentially impossible for white people to understand what minority children face. “More suitable”? “Loss of identity”? The kids say the loss of their culture matters to them?! OH SPARE ME.

Finally, sometimes a heartbroken child who will never see any part of her face mirrored in any other human face can be such a brat. How dare she fail to recognize how unfair that is to her A’mom, who has an entire family of faces that mirror hers?! It’s just not fair!

PS: Yesterday’s post seems to have been posted and then unposted. No idea what happened, but it’s up again now.

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11 Comments

Filed under Adopted And Happy!, Film, Forever Family, General Ignoramitude, NaBloPoMo, Stop Saying That

11 responses to “Unfairness in Adoption

  1. cb

    “Finally, sometimes a heartbroken child who will never see any part of her face mirrored in any other human face can be such a brat. How dare she fail to recognize how unfair that is to her A’mom, who has an entire family of faces that mirror hers?”

    It is sad because one would think that those with IF should be in a position to understand and commiserate with their child – the fact that they will never have a child that looks like them should make them realise how hard it must for a child to never have ANYONE look like them but instead the above person has turned it around so they have made it about them – hey I have that problem too so stop your whining. In the end, she has probably shut her daughter up and thus probably considered her talk a success “sigh”.

    It actually reminds me of a book out there that many APs rave about:

    http://www.amazon.com/What-Want-Adopted-Child-Know/dp/144019436X

    Anyway I found a google book on line which has the first two chapters and my thought was “APs, don’t let that book anywhere near your child”. I know that reading a book like that as a child would have shut me up because I would have felt that I needed to protect my APs (to be fair to my APs, I can’t imagine the book would appeal to them anyway):

    https://books.google.com.au/books?id=uxe3AsaxQ60C&pg=PR12&lpg=PR12&dq=sally+bacchetta+what+i+want+my+adopted+child+to+know&source=bl&ots=qN35RCxaEE&sig=_Tcc_eQ6mi2jmPz3CRhn81OARUk&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0CC8Q6AEwA2oVChMI_oSl26yJyQIVDKSUCh2KzwPy#v=onepage&q=sally%20bacchetta%20what%20i%20want%20my%20adopted%20child%20to%20know&f=false

    (if the link doesn’t work, just google “google books” and “what I want my adopted child to know”.

    The first two chapters are titled “I would do it all again” and “We really are your parents”.

  2. Not your fault there was a malfunction. And thanks for making doubly sure I became aware of that book. SHUDDER.

    • cb

      I’d love to hear your comments on the those first two chapters! I hate to think what is in the other chapters.

      Why do people think that that is what we want to hear?

      • cb

        I just managed to read chapters 3&4 of “what I want my adopted child to know” and I think there should be the following changes.

        The book should be called “What I want to tell my adopted child about how she feel about her adoption”

        1) “I would do it all again” (and couldn’t care less if you want to or not my child – of course you do)

        2) “We really are your parents” (don’t forget WE WE are your REAL parents not them US)

        3) “I regret what I can’t give you” (but not really because in the end it isn’t about you, child)

        4) “You are not different because you are adopted (you are different because you are you” (you are not adopted, you WERE adopted and no feelings you have are related to adoption and if you dare to even imply that one tiny thing is possibly adoption-related then you are being a victim. I know lots of adoptees and THEY are fine about being adopted so you better be too)

        Well, I suppose if one does get one’s child to read the book, they will eventually mould the adoptee they want and that’s what it’s all about in the end, isn’t it.

      • )-:< UGH.

        All right, I'm'a read this thing. It'll hurt, but I'm going to do it.

      • cb

        You are so brave!

        Btw you might or might not be able to read chapters 3&4 – I couldn’t link to them before. I know that a lot of people think it is a wonderful book but I just hated it – I found it to be utterly patronising.

        Thanks again for a link to your awesome “I Ro-I mean Birthmothers rock” post.

  3. cb

    Snarkuchin – I didn’t think my first post came through – can you delete my last two?

  4. yan

    As much as I’d love someone to scrutinize all people before they become parents, the system for adoption so doesn’t weed out people with issues, so why would any system work for birth kids, either?
    Also, WTF??? I could barely get through that whining self-serving drivel.

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