Adopted FB friend Nobody recently hatched the brilliant notion of adoption related greeting cards, and my brain ran all over the calendar. My spiky holiday cards for the adopted:
Happy Martin Luther King Day! Want your civil rights? [opens card] “Wait.” You bet your ass that means “never.”
Happy Valentine’s Day! [opens card] Still choosing shitty romantic partners because you know they won’t leave you, eh?
Happy President’s Day! [opens card] No, we won’t commemorate it by issuing your “long form” birth certificate.
Happy Birthday! [opens card] …if it is your real birthday. How would you know, ya poor sap?
Happy Easter! He Is Risen [opens card] and He still wants to know who His real father is.
Happy Arbor Day! [opens card] even though your family tree is rootless and grafted.
Happy Gotcha Day! Adoption Is Nothing to Be Ashamed Of! [opens card] That’s why we never speak of it.
Happy Flag Day! [opens card] We’re sending you to culture camp so you can wave a Chinese one this year.
Happy Father’s Day! [opens card] Got those DNA results yet?
Happy Independence Day! [opens card] NOT. You’ll be an adopted *child* forever!
Happy Labor Day! [opens card] Have fun inventing your birth story.
Happy Columbus Day! [opens card] Don’t you DARE discover one single thing.
Happy Halloween! [opens card] You’ll be wearing that same old Real Daughter/Son costume again this year, won’t you?
Happy Thanksgiving! [opens card] you insufficiently grateful bastard you.
Happy Chanukah! [opens card] Well, you are circumcised. Ya never know! and you never will.
Merry Christmas! [opens card] Looks like Santa delivered the pony to your first family’s home by mistake again this year.