A Phrase I Have Come To Detest

“Open to adoption.”

Here’s what it most often means in “news stories:” I am or used to be a celebrity of some sort, but nobody’s looking at me right now, and that can’t be. I’ve scored an interview, but I don’t have a new project to push yet. Hm. How can be sure to get a press release out there so people will remember who I am?…I know! I’ll adopt!

No screw that, adoption’s hard. I’ll say I’m open to adoption. Open to the idea of adoption. Yes, I am absolutely open to the idea of adoption. Stop the presses! Everybody look at ME! I’m special because I’ve done nothing and plan to do nothing! Isn’t that sweeeeet?

Sometimes it means, We want to adopt. If we use this magical phrase, we’ll get a kid.”

Or it meansOpen for business.”

But every time I hear or read it, I read this: “Hey, if someone, like, threw a cute little baby at me, I’d totally catch it. I’d probably even keep it and let my staff [or in the case of the Duggars, my older daughters] raise it right and everything. You’re looking at me now, aren’t you?”

So fucking what? You want a cookie? I mean, I thought really hard about joining the Peace Corps for like an entire minute when I was young, and nobody tells me how awesome I am for almost having done something.

And yes, I remain open to the idea of being a Royal Wizard in a long blue robe covered with golden owls. [looks about expectantly] Shit.


Filed under AdoptoLand, Celebri-tease, General Ignoramitude, Those Wacky PAPs

5 responses to “A Phrase I Have Come To Detest

  1. Yes, yes, yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It bugs me to death. BTW I saw yesterday the 19 offspring Duggers are “open to adoption”.

  2. Heather

    You are awesome. That is all. 🙂

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