God Works in Shitty, Shitty Ways

I’ve said it before: One of the things that makes adopto-blogging so difficult for me is that it’s the same damned stuff, day after year after decade.

So I invite you to behold “Adoption is what god wants for babies you like but didn’t give birth to,” Part 3,796. (I’m so tired, Y’all.) It’s about this video entitled “Mom adopted two children, months later discovered who they really are.” (“Creepy World” indeed, innit?)

Or don’t behold it (unless you don’t trust my summary, which would be fine). I watch this shit so you don’t have to, and I am here to lay the whole upfuckid mess out for you. This…is a video about Katie, a woman cursed with a vision disorder that tragically prevents her from determining how big a house she needs to live in all by herself after a divorce. No really: That’s her excuse.

Katie got divorced. Katie then, for no reason at all, bought a house way too big for her.  Oops! Four bedrooms and only one me?!

Katie decided this “mistake” meant she had a “calling” and that fostering kids was “the path meant for her.” Even though “it made her heart fearful,” “[s]he knew it was the right choice.” Then she decided she was entitled to adopt. Two weeks later, she was called about a baby boy OBVIOUSLY MEANT FOR HER.

This is not, of course, a rich white lady in a bigass house getting what a rich white lady wants. It’s DESTINY! The below is a direct quote from the video narrator and from Katie:

“Destiny at work: ‘I want him.'” 

Katie’s. Wants. Are. Destiny. She asked the social worker not to tell anyone else about the baby. She prayed to get the baby. She got the baby. She mystically bonded with the baby, was “a natural at parenthood,” and decided to adopt the baby.

(What, again?!! How long does it take you to decide whether or not you want to take on a responsibility, Lady? You asked the social worker to hold that baby for you and not tell anyone else it existed because you wanted to adopt and you are obviously the best parent for it, but you’re not sure? You’re going to Hell, One True Mommy.)

Anyway, Katie adopted the baby.

And Katie decided this one baby was definitely enough, because he needed so much of her time. (Because his mother took drugs, of course. Not because infants require incredible amounts of time and attention to raise, of course. What drugs was Mom on? Left unspecified, of course.)

Katie still wanted another baby, though, because Oh gosh, I bought TOO MUCH HOUSE! (I am not making this up.) So she got one. Katie was called about another infant, decided she had time for two infants after all, said god told her to, and got herself a baby girl to foster.

The mother’s name was on the baby girl’s hospital bracelet. Hence, Katie discovered she had acquired half-siblings. In other words, she may well have had more access to the baby girl’s records than the girl herself ever will. Ain’t god/Destiny GOOD?

Katie spent some time determining the babies were half-siblings. Then she visited their mother, and instantly KNEW this woman was the mother of both of HER HER HER HER HER kids. When this was later proven, Katie waltzed into the sunset congratulating herself, Katie, for keeping families together.

“Katie was amazed.” Katie was thrilled to learn she had a matching set. What a miracle that one woman can be deprived of two children! Katie adopted the second baby, and the narrator spooged himself a little bit: “Hannah was her daughter by law… How amazing!” Katie continued being *“a natural mother,” and was thrilled to learn that

(brace yourself)

Katie was delighted to learn that the “birth mother” had just given birth again! AMAZEBALLS!

Oh, how Katie pondered! She just wasn’t sure she could do it. She agonized, oh I’m sure she did. Then she snatched that third kid (not for her, for the children!) and eventually decided she could adopt that one, too.

Yes, you read that right. Again she says she took the sibling into her home with its sibling/s without reallllly being sure she could deal with this. (It’s not like it could hurt anyone if she gave one of them up later, after all.) It’s a good thing she’s lying. I believe Katie is too entitled to ever have questioned her ability to mother all the cute little babies in the world, by herself, in an oversized, semi-renovated house. Didn’t god say she could?!?!?

Well, the story ends Very Happily, as it must, with Katie being rewarded for her crimes against the family. Katie’s life is full of love and support. She met a wonderful man, but is still “raising the kids on her own” while working full-time, renovating her house, and starting a business. (He sounds like a keeper, right? Totes daddy material!) Insert advert for Katie’s business. Insert bullshit about how Katie nevertheless has time for all three kids, which she does NOT claim herself–she only says she hopes she’ll have more time for these kids later (what, when they’ll need it less?!). Katie has fulfilled her “crazy dreams!” and she’s hiring a nanny and giving god the glory. She’s been on Good Morning America!

She’s got everything their mother never had, and I’m supposed to go “Aaaw, so sweet.”

We don’t know what became of the mother or of the other child she mentioned having when Katie tracked her down. But she was on drugs. She was definitely on all the drugs. Did I mention the mother was on drugs? That’s why one of the kids has amblyopia. SHUT UP IT DEFINITELY IS.

I kinda hope Katie chokes.

*Yes, it really says that. Natural. Mother. FUCK. YOU.