Stuff People Who Know Who Their Blood Relatives Are Say

Parenthood Requires Love, Not DNA!

PRLND is the name of a Facebook Group. You can click the link if you want, or you can take my word for how awful it is. It’s page after page of disembodied baby feet being held in disembodied adult hands, and posts about how love knows no color, and god’s plan, and how giving up a baby is not giving up a baby, and how Moses was adopted and every other nauseating trigger I or other adult adoptees have ever discussed. But this image took the motherfucking biscuit. Look at it. LOOK AT IT:three-things

Sacrificing family is for adoptees and their original families. So is sacrificing your heart: You will love who you are told to love and like it. Dignity? Are you SHITTING me? Adoptions are all about the loss of dignity–but not for youuu, you special, special parents who know DNA has nothing to do with love but also know who you are and where you come from.

Fuck you all with rusty rakes. Doesn’t cognitive dissonance ever reach a conscious level with you people?!

Advertisements

12 Comments

Filed under AdoptoLand, Stop Saying That, The Adoption Process Moral Pedestal, Those Wacky PAPs

12 responses to “Stuff People Who Know Who Their Blood Relatives Are Say

  1. Last night, my kid was watching a TV program wherein two adopted teenage sisters (one black, one white!) were fighting over whether finding out about their respective birth parents would hurt their adoptive parents’ feelings. One of the sisters was adamant that her adoptive parents were her only parents, like she was regurgitating the party line complete with stomach acid. It made me wonder if the show’s writers were aware of adolescent identity development or if they just thought it would be fun to stick that into the plot.

  2. Well, we know how the whole Moses adoption went, God smiting all the boys and the plagues and locusts and whatnot.
    I am always told that I am so ignorant about adoption. How can I be ignorant about adoption, if I have been adopted for nearly 54 years? I’d say I have a pretty good education in being adopted.

  3. And another thing it does us good to loose our dignity sometimes, brings us down to earth, sometimes literally!

  4. Heather

    THIS: “Fuck you all with rusty rakes. Doesn’t cognitive dissonance ever reach a conscious level with you people?!”

  5. Lara/Trace

    I simply have no words without swearing like a sailor.

  6. Cindy

    Laughable point # 1).Without DNA they wouldn’t be parenting.
    Laughable point # 2).”giving up a baby is not giving up a baby”…
    Watch a contested adoption battles and tell me again how giving up (or being forced to give up a baby) is not ‘giving up a baby’! Watch the song and dance change.

  7. No, adoption is not a win-win situation. There is a buried primal wound around which the adopted child, the birth family and the adoptive family dance.

    As an adoptive mother, this primal pain was apparent to me the first night we brought our 6 week old son home. He cried, and nothing I could do would soothe him. I cried too. For the 3rd time in 6 weeks he was being introduced to an alien environment in which he must survive.

    In time, we all adjusted and bonded deeply. There was nothing in life that I wanted more than to be a mother. The years of childlessness that my husband and I had were trying. We wanted more than anything to be parents and have a family. My husband whistled as he put together baby beds and swings. He took cigars to work to share his joy with his co-workers.

    I was in love with my child, my family.

    For years we delighted in having this child, this family. I knew that our son was sensitive to being adopted. We told him as soon as he could understand, but he insisted that we not tell anyone else. I could see that he struggled with belonging, with feeling accepted. In hindsight I wonder if we had adopted more children his dilemma might have been easier for him.

    As he grew older I noticed that he harbored a certain unexplainable hostility toward me. Then he married a woman and communication with us has ended. We lost our son.

    The pain and confusion into which this has thrown us is no less than that of birth parents who lose their children. We struggle with how to cope. I’ve joined Al Anon and am learning that life (and children) do not always turn out the way you expect and you have to just move on.

    My question to adoptees is: is your hostility toward us warranted? Were we supposed to just leave you in the orphanage? No, I don’t expect you to be “grateful”, but acknowledgement of us as decent human beings would help.

    The loss that we experience is real. It is as if the primal abandonment wound of the adoptee is transferred to us, the now abandoned adoptive parents.

    Perhaps the better approach would be to acknowledge the pain of adoption for all parties involved, including the adoptive parents. Forgive each other and carry on. This isn’t a fairly tale, this is life. We can bear the pain without blaming or alienating each other.

    • I have a lot of unexplainable hostility towards my adoptive mother also. I will try and explain it for you, the best that I can.

      My adoptive mother wanted a baby. Any baby really. Well, not just any baby, but a newborn baby. She was offered a one year old boy, about a year before I came along. She turned him down. She wanted newborn only, and was not willing to settle for anything less! She did not want anyone to know that I was adopted. I once asked why, and she said she did not want anyone to “know her business”. Know that she was infertile, I guess.

      The selfishness involved in adopting another woman’s child is galling. To be bought, by an infertile woman, in order to fulfill her need to be a mother is not a good life for any human being. It places too much burden on the child. We are supposed to fill in for the fantasy child that will never be.

      Should you leave the children in the orphanage? Yes. Just leave other peoples children alone. Get a puppy or something. Get help, and come to terms with your infertility.

      I was never in an orphanage. My mother would not have relinquished if she did not think that I was going to a good home.

      Infant adoption is driven by infertile people who desire to raise a child. They may be gay or straight. They have the money to buy these children, and they do. Does not make it right. Does not make them good people, in fact, I think it makes them the opposite. Once I learn that someone has adopted, I lose respect for them. I see them as evil.

      What makes you a decent human being, in your opinion?

      Buying human beings is wrong, even if you really, really want to.

      I hope this helps explain the unexplainable hostility .

    • “Were we supposed to just leave you in the orphanage?” Really? You don’t get to say that and then claim you’re not asking us to be grateful. If you adopted in order to rescue a child rather than raise one with love (and I don’t believe you did), then you got what you deserved. The truly altruistic do not expect a lifetime of unconditional love in repayment for their good deed.

      You’re not the first AP to visit my blog and ask adoptees to acknowledge your pain. (You ARE the first one to claim your very own primal wound, though.) I am sincerely sorry your son cut you out of his life and I’m sure it hurts very much. That didn’t help you feel much better, though, did it? Because you don’t really want your pain acknowledged; you want people like me to either shut up or talk about you. A novel sentiment coming from an AP, to be sure.

      Adoptees were never the ones who insisted this is a fairy tale, that once upon a time somebody somewhere made a special little baby just for some other couple to raise. That was you–APs–and the industry you trusted to tell you whatever you wanted to hear.

      I have long since forgiven everyone involved in my adoption. They all did their best with the information they had at the time. What does my forgiveness change about adoption corruption? Nothing. Why do I owe forgiveness to anyone still participating in what has become a desperate, ugly, flesh-peddling nightmare for children and their mothers? I don’t. When did this blog become a haven for AP feelings and I their therapist? Never. Adoption as it’s currently practiced needs to end. I expect that stance to hurt some feelings.

    • Heather

      Well said maryleesdream and Snarkurchin.

      Dear shoofoolatte,

      Cool story … especially the whimsical part about your hubby whistling while putting together baby beds and sharing cigars. I noticed your story is all about you and what you wanted, expected and experienced. That is a problem.

      Don’t blame the “certain unexplainable hostility” on his marrying either. You can’t put that onto another woman.

      I am curious as to why you feel the need to be acknowledged as a “decent human being” … I’m guessing you’ve been told that you’re not one at some point in your life.

      You do not get to compare your grief to the grief a MOTHER feels when she loses her child. Nope you just don’t.

    • ‘The pain and confusion into which this has thrown us is no less than that of birth parents who lose their children.’

      How on earth could you know that?
      You have no idea.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s