Anguish in Adoption

Is anguish felt by relinquishing mothers? Apparently not. Is it felt by APs who discover their beloved children were actually stolen? By late discovery adoptees? By twins separated by adoption? Not judging by the article we’ll be reading today. Adoption anguish is for rich foreigners who want to take advantage of impoverished Indian women by buying their reproductive abilities.

Anguish is for people who have no babies…and no hearts. Anguish is for those who have the luxury of turning down less than perfect babies. Anguish is for *pederasts. Anguish is for “fertility specialists” who find the exploitation of poor women “beautiful” as well as profitable. It’s for the woman whose “only option” is to rent a womb because the world owes her a baby of her own. It’s for her husband, who spouts the old tired bullshit about how purchased children “will have a more loved life because their parents have made so much of an effort to obtain have them.” He adds “It would be madness to ban it.”

Madness to consider the exploitation of human incubators. Madness to consider changing a society that doesn’t value poor women. Madness for him and his wife not to get what they want at a cut-rate price (even thought their willingness to pay is what suposedly makes them such superior parents). Surrogates, the article points out, exist in other, richer countries. They simply expect to be paid a much larger fraction of what their time, trouble and suffering are worth.

Who cares if the human incubator signed a contract she never got a copy of? Who cares if she didn’t realize until the time came to give birth that she is going to undergo a C-section instead (like it or not)? Who cares if she is “not paid the promised amount and lack[s] health insurance if things go wrong”?

It’s fine to exploit women and reduce them to objects if they are poor and couldn’t get the money any other way. Most enlightened liberals I know say similar things about prostitutes and porn actresses–but, oddly enough, never about minimum wage workers, sweatshop workers, or migrant workers who keep fruit prices low by working for less than minimum wage. Those people, they all agree, are being exploited, and something should be done about it. Somehow it’s only the women whose reproductive organs are for sale who cannot feel anguish. They are simply exercising their rights and making their choices.

*An old-fashioned term to be sure, but one I must prefer to “pedophile,” which implies that baby-rapers love their victims.

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14 Comments

Filed under AdoptoLand, Colonialism ROCKS!, Misognyny, NaBloPoMo, Those Wacky PAPs

14 responses to “Anguish in Adoption

  1. And the people created from these arrangements only have feelings of gratitude and joy! What a wonderful world we live in!

  2. Who cares if she dies and leaves behind children……..

  3. We need to ask ourselves what drives people to go to these lengths to become parents and whether its influenced and enabled by our child filled society.

    As someone who was born infertile who is part of a couple that will not be heading down the Adoption path of any kind, I can tell you that being childless in our childfilled society is very isolating. When you keep hearing that being a parent is the most important job in the world and you are unable to become a parent it makes you fell less than human. It makes you feel like only parents have value to society and non parents don’t. You can sit here and say this isn’t true and you don’t feel that way but unless you come from this perspective you could never understand. Similar to how I could never understand what it would be like to be in your shoes.

    The point is we should be working to change these attitudes that are driving people rather than shame them.

    • Yes, we should. I don’t intend to position myself as the enemy of the infertile, only of the entitled. I’m a woman past menopause who never had children. That was my choice, but I can relate to some of the experiences you describe.

      You say “parents,” but I’d bet more women are made to feel “less than human” about not having children than men are.

      • It may not be your intention to position yourself as an enemy of the infertile, but your work that goes outside of adoption does. People who are infertile did not cause your pain as people whose lives were effected by adoption did not cause my pain.

        You would be surprised though that our groups do have some common ground we can work together with. I don’t like to see anyone suffer or get hurt and I’m sure that you don’t either.

        On your point about women feeling less than more often than men, I won’t argue it one way or another. I can tell you though that being infertile a big struggle of mine that I’m working through is feeling less than.

      • If by my “work that goes outside adoption,” you mean my blogging about surrogacy, I don’t understand what makes that more hurtful to you or anyone else who is infertile. People who are infertile caused my pain (? my adoption was not particularly painful as these things go) only inasmuch as they have historically been the demanders of the babies and children the adoption industry supplies.

        Sorry if I’m being dense, but I guess I’m not quite sure what you’re getting at. I have nothing against infertile people who do not feel entitled to a child at the expense of other people. Both infant adoption and surrogacy essentially make incubators of disadvantaged women.

      • It’s hurtful to generalize about infertiles being “entitled”. All you have to do is look at your June 15th piece. You have no idea how much infertility can change a person. I’m not the same person I was three years ago and not for the better. You need to better understand what drives a person to go to the lengths some do to become a parent in this society.

        Also what about surrogates who aren’t paid such as a sister carrying a baby?

        I just believe you can get your message across about adoption without generalizing about a group of people.

      • That post is about a nauseating article with a horrible attitude from a horrible website. I believe the kind of person who would try to guilt trip a woman out of her flesh and blood with “We’ll love you and think about you constantly even though we don’t want you anywhere near us” is the kind of person who would do anything to avoid adopting domestically in the first place, let alone adopting an actual waiting child, because eww birth mother icky. I’ve met such people. They exist. I don’t like what they do. I don’t believe, nor did I mean to imply, that they represent the infertile people of Planet Earth, a group that includes one of my own a’parents.

        If someone is willing to do bad things to get someone else’s baby, I don’t care why they’re willing. I’m simply going to point out that they’re doing bad things. I don’t think I’m generalizing to the extent you think I am. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong, but I think it would take a neutral third party (if there is such a thing in matters like these) to settle the question. In the meantime, this is my blog and this is what I do.

        And if someone wants to undergo surrogacy for free, let her. That situation is far removed from the level of exploitation that happens when couples go to foreign lands for an impoverished, uninsured surrogate. I don’t think it’s going to end well for her emotionally, but the lack of economic pressure makes it much more of a free choice for her.

      • So what’s your solution for people in the position that they’re unable to have kids? I understand that it has nothing to do with the theme of your blog and at the end of the day you probably don’t care. Though it impacts the demand in these avenues to parenthood you are discussing.

      • It isn’t that I don’t care, it’s simply not what I’m blogging about or where my energy goes (except when it impacts the issue I AM discussing).

        I don’t have a solution. I fully admit that people who want but can’t have children are facing a problem that’s bigger and older and deeper and wider than I am. I can’t solve it, and I don’t pretend I can. Why would you expect me to? Adoption aside, as someone who is OK with not having had children, I can’t even fully comprehend the problem, let alone provide a solution.

        All I can suggest is that such people take any available avenue other than using human beings who lack their advantages as instruments to create children for them.

        Reading back, I see how it’s possible to conclude from that post that I have a problem with IVF. I don’t. I have a problem with a mentality that says “ANY method that gets me what I want is fair game.”

      • Thank you for your honesty, feedback and dialogue. I wouldn’t expect you to solve it. Most people in your community who I ask that question by either saying they should adopt from Foster Care, take in an expectant mother, volunteer or just suck it up. None of which are solutions. You are one of the few that I’ve asked that question who has come back with an honest and empathetic response.

        I hope I didn’t offend you or come across as rude. If I did I apologize. I wish you the best on your journey.

  4. What does one do when faced with a terrible situation that cannot be changed? That’s really the question. It has nothing to do with adoption or surrogacy.

    Infertility is not cured by those things. It is never cured.

    How does a person deal with an incurable disease or deformity? How does someone deal with losing their biological family?

    There are no easy answers.

    Is this Greg? It sure sounds like you.

    • It is me.

      You are absolutely right that it cannot be changed no matter what unless science finds a way to conceive a child from both parties then the situation doesn’t change. Adopting a child no matter what the situation doesn’t change that. The issues of feeling like less than a person would never have been fixed by adopting. I recognize that now. There are no easy answers. I appreciate you and others who share your honesty rather than throwing out alternatives that solve nothing.

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