“From her archive”

comes this guaranteed-to-make-ya-click advice column rerun. It’s not nearly archival enough.

Carolyn Hax is an advice columnist for The Washington Post. This “rerun” column posted on 16 August, 2015:

Carolyn Hax is away. In her absence, we are offering columns from her archive.

Dear Carolyn: My husband and I are “bidding”

if you put quotation marks around this word, it won’t be true

for a closed adoption

really, what other kind is there?

through our church. The birth mother is 17 and already has a child.

It’s two thousand somethingsomething and our local church, rather than helping a girl who clearly needs help, is raffling off her baby. We are the bestest Christians ever!

She is considering us as well as one other couple. This process involves a lot of waiting and is really fraying my nerves. We are the “better” couple — higher income, more child care experience, a son who can’t wait to be a big brother, and we live in the suburbs (while the other family has a condo in the city). We have not yet met the mother, but the other couple has apparently established a friendly relationship with her.

This is wrong not because it’s coercive, of course, but because it allowed them to cut in line ahead of ME. Can you imagine–there’s something I want, and there’s actually a line to wait for it, and there are people who aren’t me in the line, and I have to wait behind them? just because they got there first? Where, I ask you Lord Jesus, is the justice in that?!

We hope to do the same over the summer, to help her decision process

by which I mean to help her pick us and our superior suburban money, NOW because oh mah precious fraying nerves

My problem is

that slavery is no longer legal

that I cannot come to terms with the fact that the choice will ultimately rest with this girl

when obviously she should simply punt the baby into my lap and disappear without my having to sully my hands with her. I mean who does she think she is, the baby’s mother?!

On paper

by which I mean in reality

my husband and I are the easy

by which I mean obvious, correct, only and One True

choice. Nothing against the other couple

except that they suck and we rock, of course

but I believe if it were up to an objective party, anyone would choose us. But the process is designed so that the girl

the child’s own mother! I mean, can you believe this shit?!

has the final say, which I can’t understand. Why should it be her decision? She has already demonstrated questionable decision-making capabilities

in bringing into this world the child I want to love and cherish and raise as my own, that stupid slut

and she will never know anything about us besides what she learns over a couple of casual lunches. We hope to make a good impression on her, but I am really going to pieces over the thought that maybe there are factors we won’t be able to influence. Why is this OK??? Atlanta

Carolyn’s reply: Dear Atlanta: If I were the mom, your quickness to dismiss both the other couple and my right to make decisions for my baby would disqualify you without so much as a follow-up “casual lunch.”

What I see are two families who want a child, and both may offer this baby a wonderful home — neither one “better” than the other, just different. And I see a mother who got herself in a stupid spot [all by herself, apparently] but who is doing her best to get out of it, in the way that best serves her child.

If you can’t get over yourself long enough to see this isn’t a competition, but instead a community effort to save a life — and, therefore, that any good home is a great outcome, even if the home isn’t yours — then I hope you’ll recuse yourself from the “auction” altogether. Yours truly, City-Dweller

Nice answer, Carolyn.Please look away while I vomit. Yours truly, Snarkuchin.



Filed under AdoptoLand, NaBloPoMo, The Adoption Process Moral Pedestal, Those Wacky PAPs, You're going to Hell for this.

9 responses to ““From her archive”

  1. Lara/Trace

    Entitlement – is that the right word for this shit?

  2. Lara/Trace

    Reblogged this on ☀️ army of one ☀️ and commented:
    An example of the insanity, wait, a perfect example of adoption

  3. Just monstrous. Excellent parsing.

  4. just call me oscar(ette)

    A perfect example of adoption yes. A perfect example of a mother’s experience in the loss (circling of what FEELS like predator’s waiting for her inner flesh) of her child to adoption. A perfect example of ‘We ain’t gonna help the mother’. ‘We seldom if ever do. Single, poor, young, or in any way disadvantaged mother’s aren’t deserving of our assistance to keep and raise their child. They got themselves in this mess, they’re just nasty baby breeders and welfare queens and we are better than, and WE wanna baby! Those disadvantaged mother’s are SINNERS, they’re unworthy, they’re weak and needy and we ain’t gonna help THEM. They’re adult’s or almost. Infants and children need help, not adults. Oh, by the way, would you help fund me to adopt??????” NO! You’re an adult. Act like one.

    This aps thinking is not new or shocking. Sickening, yes. Sad, yes. Shocking, no. Many mother’s have been saying this is how they were often treated (not just BSE) and few seem want to hear. Well, adoptive parents such as this one, are opening up the door of the reality. Maybe others will take a firm realization of how sick this practice truly has been and is.

    I don’t wanna hear that, “what about the poor children languishing in foster care or orphanages” come back that so many spout to attempt to justify adoption as an institution. IF they were that concerned about the poor children languishing in care they would adopt THEM not some freshly minted, helpless and voiceless (except for their cries) human being that they hope can be molded into their ‘born to’ ME, we’re your good parents, those other are your um, egg and sperm donor, or uh, they loved you so very much they gave you to us because we were BETTER people (you come from trash), be GRATEFUL, child.

    Disclaimer-if this was not or is not your M.O. try not to get your knickers in a knot. If this IS your M.O. you might what to do some serious examination of your reasons for wanting to adopt and then don’t.

    Bidding for a human being. Remind anybody of another institution? “How much am I bid for this strong, strapping fellow, will work hard in your fields…?” Like I said, SICKENING.

  5. how about projectile vomiting. :-O

  6. cb

    No-one does Snark quite as well as you!

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