Day Ten: Searchin’

Reactions to Searching If you’ve searched for or are thinking of searching for your natural family, what would you say to those who think your desire to search means you are unhappy in your adoptive family or had a bad childhood? If you don’t have a desire to search, what would you say to those who wonder why you have no interest in knowing where you come from?

I did search, and with the help of a search angel in North Carolina, I found my mother. (It helped very much that my non-ID info contained her birthday.)

What I said at the time to people who challenged me was “My adoptive parents are OK with it.” If they knew my a’parents, that usually shut’em up. But if they didn’t know me or my adoptive parents, I…well, it’s all in the video, although I wasn’t always so snide about it. Many people my age still believe happy adoptees don’t search, and searching is therefore evidence of bad parenting, but I’m glad it’s not an attitude I’ve encountered much lately. One gets tired of defending one’s parents.

When I’m asked about searching by someone who seems to genuinely want to know, I point them at this wonderful post by TAO.

My a’bro doesn’t want to search. Says he just isn’t interested. I don’t grill him about it, because that would be tacky and hurtful.

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9 Comments

Filed under NaBloPoMo

9 responses to “Day Ten: Searchin’

  1. Yan

    I think I got more grief from people who only sort of knew me about NOT searching than I did when I decided to search. I flirted with searching for a long, long time (more than 10 years), and always came down with “I’m okay right now, thanks.” Deep-seated fears of rejection, mostly, that I couldn’t/wouldn’t acknowledge.

    The TAO post is most excellent.

    • Isn’t it? I love that post.

      I suspect lots of people who don’t search are afraid. But I don’t see the point in my trying to explain anyone else’s motives to them. What does that accomplish but putting them on the defensive?

  2. TAO

    Awe thank you for linking – I hadn’t read that post in ages. Still think your searching video is the best though – glad to see it was revived recently and made quite a few rounds…

    • Your post does such a great job of answering people who say they wouldn’t care if they were adopted. If everyone who said it didn’t matter sat down and took that inventory, we’d have a lot more open minds in AdpotoLand.

  3. Pingback: Reactions to Searching prompt – sort of… « The adopted ones blog

  4. Marylee

    Both my parents told me they wouldn’t have cared if they were adopted, and an aunt told me she would give her kids up joyfully if she didn’t have “enough”. Yet they were all raised in intact families. I’m the ingrate.

    • In related news, white people don’t care who isn’t white and straight people would joyfully be gay if they didn’t like guys/gals so much! Isn’t it wonderful being so very enlightened?

      Sheeeeeeeee it. )-:<

  5. Thanks, Davina! I knew about that, but it’s always nice to know someone’s looking out for me, especially when I haven’t blogged much.

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