Day Four: Fathers

The Natural Father According to biology, it takes two to make a baby. However, when it comes to adoption often the natural father seems to be left out of the conversation more often than not. Do you feel that’s a valid statement? Were your natural parents treated as equals in your adoptive household? As a child, did you wonder about your natural father? Were you given any details about him? How did that make you feel? What is your view on natural fathers’ rights?

Yes, it’s a valid statement. Any mention of the father is quite often left out of conversations about adoption, and that was the case in my family. There were a few details about my natural father in my non-ID info, but not many. I don’t think I thought or asked about him very much as a child. For one thing, I was very close to my adoptive father. For another, it was easy to think of my natural father as the “villain” of my adoption story, especially because I knew (and know) so little about him. (As an adult, I don’t see him as having done anything particularly “wrong;” for all I know, he still doesn’t know of my existence.) I wanted to know why she gave me up, not why he did (assuming he did), perhaps because we hold mothers to a higher standard in this society. Finally, as a female, I always related to my mother’s situation more.

My view on natural fathers’ rights is…conflicted. On the one hand, I think kids should remain in their natural families, even if that means they live with their fathers and not their mothers. On the other hand (and this may sound monstrous: so be it), I question natural fathers’ motives, not because they are the fathers of adopted children, but because they are men.

Contrary to popular belief, men who seek custody of their children in this country very often get it. A non-trivial percentage of such men are not interested in raising the child themselves at all: they simply want to hurt and control the mother. How often is this true of fathers whose children were put up for adoption, or were going to be until they objected? I have no way of knowing. Legally, they should have the opportunity to speak out/parent, and states like Utah that are famous for denying fathers their rights are reprehensible.

But the very phrase “fathers’ rights” makes my spines rise. Fathers in general already have all the rights they need as far as I’m concerned. It troubles me very much that the same men who say they want their rights as fathers often think those “rights” include the “right” not to pay child support, the “right” to remove themselves from the lives of offspring they don’t want, the “right” to end no-fault divorce, and the “right” to control the mothers of their children.

Men who consider themselves “Father’s Rights Activists” often also consider themselves “Men’s Rights Activists.” And that is some fucked-up shit right there.

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “Day Four: Fathers

  1. It really depends on the city and the judges and the lawyers involved. My friend’s ex-wife has taken him to court dozens of times over insanely stupid stuff all in an attempt to get him to walk away. She successfully did this with her first husband BTW. Unfortunately for her, he is refusing and their children are starting to resent the hell out of mommy trying to remove their father. They love their father so much that when they are sick in the middle of the night, they will call daddy instead of walk to the room where their mom is. He started out with 50/50 but she has managed to move it to 60/40 in her favor even though the court declared that nothing was wrong with how he was parenting the children. The last time he was in court, the judge told him that if he can’t stop making mom take him to court that HE needs to be the one to walk away.

    In the meantime, my husband is fighting Missouri CPS for his daughter after the mother fled our state and moved in with a 67 year old man she met on the internet. She had this man convinced that my husband (we weren’t together at the time) had raped her and that he was actively stalking her. This man moved her in with his wife (didn’t tell the wife tho!) and once she was in Missouri she promptly stopped all care of the child. 3 months later she was in the psych ward and CPS took the kid. We’ve been going to court for 2 years now and since my husband has a misdemeanor record that is over 12 years old, they doubt him even though we have letters of recommendation and all that jazz. BTW, the police up here were telling us to get an RO against HER and the court up here never bought her nonsense. This is why we believe she fled because the system up here wasn’t buying her lies.

    • Yes, these things happen, and I’m sure the judge involved is a big part of the difference. I didn’t mean to suggest that all fathers are nefarious or all mothers saintly.

  2. Yan

    My biological father, if all I know is true, did not know I existed or thought I was someone else’s child, and now that he knows, is in denial. I haven’t reached out directly yet, and I am not sure when I will, as I’m pretty sure I’m facing rejection.

    But my biological father was part of The Story, in that it was always noted that he supported my first mother.

    My brother’s biological father was not part of His Story. I still don’t know why.

  3. c

    “I know more about my a’bro’s father than I do about mine”

    Same here.

    All I know about my own nfather is the general description given at the time of the adoption. As my nmother died while I was in high school, I never got to meet her nor had she told her parents or siblings (am unsure about her husband of 4 years who has just recently passed away). So, it looks like he will remain unknown.

    I think one day I’ll do that Family DNA test and hope that some “close” relatives will show up so I can work out who he is. It seems that my nmom has had similar taste in men throughout her life as the description of my nfather also describes her husband to a T, even their jobs are similar.

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