The Natural Father According to biology, it takes two to make a baby. However, when it comes to adoption often the natural father seems to be left out of the conversation more often than not. Do you feel that’s a valid statement? Were your natural parents treated as equals in your adoptive household? As a child, did you wonder about your natural father? Were you given any details about him? How did that make you feel? What is your view on natural fathers’ rights?
Yes, it’s a valid statement. Any mention of the father is quite often left out of conversations about adoption, and that was the case in my family. There were a few details about my natural father in my non-ID info, but not many. I don’t think I thought or asked about him very much as a child. For one thing, I was very close to my adoptive father. For another, it was easy to think of my natural father as the “villain” of my adoption story, especially because I knew (and know) so little about him. (As an adult, I don’t see him as having done anything particularly “wrong;” for all I know, he still doesn’t know of my existence.) I wanted to know why she gave me up, not why he did (assuming he did), perhaps because we hold mothers to a higher standard in this society. Finally, as a female, I always related to my mother’s situation more.
My view on natural fathers’ rights is…conflicted. On the one hand, I think kids should remain in their natural families, even if that means they live with their fathers and not their mothers. On the other hand (and this may sound monstrous: so be it), I question natural fathers’ motives, not because they are the fathers of adopted children, but because they are men.
Contrary to popular belief, men who seek custody of their children in this country very often get it. A non-trivial percentage of such men are not interested in raising the child themselves at all: they simply want to hurt and control the mother. How often is this true of fathers whose children were put up for adoption, or were going to be until they objected? I have no way of knowing. Legally, they should have the opportunity to speak out/parent, and states like Utah that are famous for denying fathers their rights are reprehensible.
But the very phrase “fathers’ rights” makes my spines rise. Fathers in general already have all the rights they need as far as I’m concerned. It troubles me very much that the same men who say they want their rights as fathers often think those “rights” include the “right” not to pay child support, the “right” to remove themselves from the lives of offspring they don’t want, the “right” to end no-fault divorce, and the “right” to control the mothers of their children.
Men who consider themselves “Father’s Rights Activists” often also consider themselves “Men’s Rights Activists.” And that is some fucked-up shit right there.