A Thing (or two) I Must Not Do Again

I posted some content on the FB page, on a thread about Torry Hansen having to pony up the dough, that was not about me. It was a list of some of the problems my a’parents had with me and with my a’sib–without saying who did what, because I thought that would preserve privacy. My point was that the two of us gave our parents a lot of shit and they chose non-Torry Hansen methods of dealing with it (as did, I’m pretty sure, every other AP ever).

I know better than that. The only story I have any right to tell is my own. When someone jumped all over that list assuming I had done All The Things and telling me what an ungrateful lunatic I am, my immediate reaction was to specify who did what things and to share how my a’parents had chosen to handle it. In other words, my urge was to defend myself at the expense of the family’s  privacy. I’m ashamed of that.

I’m also ashamed of being nasty and abusive right back. So several comments were bahleted (half of them  mine).

Yes, I’m ungrateful. Yes, kids do come with certain “outs” (emancipation, adoption disruption). There is still no excuse for what Torry Hansen did.


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4 responses to “A Thing (or two) I Must Not Do Again

  1. Yes we can all do better in how we handle the nastiness and abuse of others.It happens all the time – press enter or cancel! It is sometimes so hard to stand back and hear others talk crap or read the rubbish that is written about adoptees and adoption by people who will never live it for one moment, who feel they have a right to preach it and judge but can’t take any correction or shift in viewpoint. We adoptees deal with it all the time, sometimes better than other times and sometimes we just dam well don’t care.Some things in adoption are indefensible and when adopters and others have learned enough to see that, we’ll really be motoring.
    One of the hardest things for us Aussie adoptees has been the abuse and bullying of certain mothers, the pattern for that set 20 years ago by a mother who is now revered and been sainted.I even spotted her name yesterday on an adoptee’s sidebar as being sadly missed!!! So little reality, so many unicorns!

    • I think I shared things I shouldn’t have because I’d just plain forgotten that the FB page is public, since my personal one isn’t.

      This is part of why I don’t comment on most of the sites/blogs I read. If I’m angry, I’m sure I’ll say things I’ll regret; and if I’m not, someone has almost always already said what I meant to say, and better.

  2. Lauri Lee

    I saw the beginning of that thread when you mentioned you and sib put your a’parents through a lot, but not the follow up responses. Sorry to hear that someone jumped in and put you on the defensive. That’s just crap. That special kind of attacking adoptee crap that some peeps feel so entitled to do, to which I can only pray that karma will catch up on them.

    Privacy is a difficult region to navigate when one talks about oneself which invariably involves other people too, and the internet isn’t like a conversation where you see who you’re talking to (and who else can hear) and the words are left only in memory and time. It’s always good to take stock of one’s behaviour when we say things we then think we ought not to have in anger and defense, but cut yourself some slack. “To err is human.” Be divine, and forgive yourself.

    • Thanks, Lauri Lee.

      I would not have expected this from this person (who, AFAIK has nothing to do with adoption) because s/he’s someone I know from websites about a different issue. It was a complete gobsmack, and so very mean that I *still* feel urges to defend myself and a’sib against it! But I learned from it.

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