“I Ro–I Mean, ‘Birth Mothers’ Rock!”

I smile smugly and say “Do you mean That Woman? I pretend to care about her an awful lot, and that makes me better than you. Did you know she wasn’t addicted to anything? I swear. That’s how I got a really *good* baby. And I’m the mother, so shut up.”

Oh look, here’s another one who could have had the whole baby but settled for its feet (see illo). She’s the mother. People ask who her kid’s mother is, but it’s her her her her her. Oh, and there was this incubator-thingy-person, and she was so awesome to  make a baby just for Sally Bacchetta. Did you mean to ask about it? um, her? Well, you should be ashamed, because “Sally B’s birth mother” is totally a human being, y’all! She might even have had prenatal care. She might not have smoked cigarettes. She might not have been addicted to anything, so shut up I did too get a healthy baby! And stop calling her the mother. I’m the mother I’m the mother I’m the mother I’m the mother I’M THE MOTHER.

Says Ms. B, I’m working for the day when “What about… the mother?” is asked out of concern for the mother who placed her child; the day when it means “How is she doing? Did she have any medical complications? Is she with people who support her? Is she at peace with her decision? Is she OK?”

But she lies. Because people who really care about women and children do what they can to keep women and their children together. I suppose it makes Ms. Sally B feel better to claim she’s  “working for” a day she never wants to arrive, but she’s fulla shit. Because the day this patriarchal, slut-shaming society truly gives a damn about women will be the day adoption ends and she quits claiming to be the Onlie Begetter. But what, Sally B wonders, if she really were a mother?

[as a girl] I wasn’t ready to be a mother, and I like to think I would have had the courage and selflessness to make an adoption plan for my baby, but I’m not sure. I’m not at all sure.

I’m sure, Sally B. I’d’ve kept my kid if I had to move mountains to do it, and so would you. After all, we had the resources to do so. How do I know that about you, Sally B? Because you can afford to adopt, which suggests you had at least an upper-middle class upbringing. All you’d have had to deal with as a single mother would be the shame–and it wouldn’t even have been the shame of being called a “Welfare queen,” because I’m pretty sure you’re white, too.

Almost every mother with the resources to do so keeps her child, just like you would. That’s why people like you whine about a “healthy white infant shortage.”

As for the birth mother, she’s healthy, certain, and loved by her family and friends. She’s moving forward, and she’s very OK.

Sure she is. In fact, I’m pretty sure she never wanted any silly old baby, and just went out and got herself knocked up to accommodate Ms. Sally B. After all, it was just one little baby. It didn’t affect her the way it would have you, Ms. Sally B, because let’s face it, these women are not–Waaaait, wasn’t your point supposed to be that “birth mothers” love their children like real women do? That was your point, right?

No, I don’t think it was. I think your point was that you’re tired of people asking about “the mother” when they should be asking about special, special you. Sally B., you know damned well that some of the people who ask about your kid’s mother are actually asking about her–not the baby, not you, but her. And you hate that, don’t you? You hate it so much you wrote a piece all about it, but you felt kinda bad and decided you’d better pretend this one thing isn’t all about you, which it totally is.



Filed under AdoptoLand, Misognyny, Sad and beautiful

12 responses to ““I Ro–I Mean, ‘Birth Mothers’ Rock!”

  1. gypsyqueen1

    “I think your point was that you’re tired of people asking about “the mother” when they should be asking about special, special you.”

    That’s exactly what it is. It’s all about them!! What an idiot and sadly, she is not alone. There are so many more out there just like her self entitled, selfish self. It is not enough that they made off with someone else’s infant. They must, at all costs make sure that child’s mother is as dehumanized and degraded as humanely possible. Someone will pay for their infertility and by god it will be the “birth mother” (and her child).

    I learned this the hard way…

    • It’s not even enough to dehumanize the mother. Sally needs to be congratulated and told she’s enlightened for dehumanizing the mother in what she thinks is a new and special (or maybe just clever and undetectable) way. Puke.

  2. cb

    “But all birth mothers love their babies.
    All birth mothers love the life within them enough to publicly admit their own shortcomings.”
    And the NCFA-trained counsellors will almost certainly let them know what their shortcomings are.

    “All birth mothers risk shame, criticism, grief, loss, misunderstanding, and physical pain to carry a child for someone else.”
    That makes it sound like she is a surrogate. Whilst pregnant, the expectant mother should think of the child as hers.

    “All birth mothers deserve respect for choosing to give life when it is clearly not the easy choice.”

    Why automatically assume that abortion was considered. Continuing the pregnancy may well have been the easiest choice of all.

    • Just because you say a thing over and over does not make it so. I started to do a tree tally of “I am the mother” in her little ditty but got bored. What a gloating, insulting bit of work that was. Perhaps she could remove her tin foil hat and figure out something must have been really wrong to cause her to sign that paper. Could it possibly be coersion? or being told she had no other options? Heaven forbid it could have been something illegal done by a lawyer or agency! No no the happy little b-person had that baby especially for her.!
      I was heartened to see negative comments to her post, she’s not fooling anyone, except perhaps others who snatch kids.
      Of course “that woman” is going on with her life in the warm embrace of her family, yea right. She better tow the line or the adoption will close in ger face.
      I know the industry and it’s clients enjoy these roundabout insults to the women they robbed, but wait there is a baby there too! Adoptees may not speak up but it doesn’t take most of them long to figure out something is wrong with the picture. Unicorns and rainbows forever!! Everything is wonderful in Adoptoworld, babies just float out of the clouds, and everyone spends their time moving on.

  3. Jesus wept Snark- I simply do not understand why they would allow this woman to try to speak for natural mothers. Frankly I don’t give shit one what Ms Sally B thinks, in her very special little world. I care about what we MOTHERS and ADOPTEES think. Notice I said mothers, yep straight up, I am a mother and no godsdamned piece of paper will ever frakking change that. The woman’s entitlement and greed shines through in this piece. At peace? Who the frak does she think she is kidding? And abortion is not even in the same realm as this subject. Adoption = apple/Abortion = orange. Give me a godsdamn break.

  4. Just love hypocrisy don’t you? Especially in adoptionland.

  5. Holy shit, you’re on fire. I read Sally B’s drivel and then her dissimulating, “Oh, I didn’t mean that, my children’s “birth” mother chooses to be called “birth” mother, I am entitled to my opinions, etc.), after she was called out. No, she was writing the same old in an attempt to drum up AP business for that horrible online rag. I DESPISE people who try to play it both ways and who turn being an AP into a paying career, shoring up the lies and drumming up new business. They will never admit they’re part of the machine because they love the $$$. Love, my ass.

    • TY, Kara! I think I kindasorta love your ass, unless that’s not appropriate.

      But yeah, there are reasons why “Adoption Voices” are never first mother or adoptee voices.

  6. jillian

    I don’t dissagree with anything you say about how children who were adopted feel… but admittedly I think it’s wrong to villify all adoptive parents. I adopted for greedy reasons.. I wanted children and they didn’t come easily so instead of looking into inferitlity treatments I looked into adoption. I adopted two preschool age children… and I know they have those wandering thoughts of what if they’d ahve stayed in the orphanage, what if they had been adopted by a different (richer) family, etc. However, my children hade been removed from their birthmother for severe neglect (almost dead from no food and no heat, abused, left with strange men, etc.)… in my case I know an ‘adoptive family’ isn’t what they would have dreamed of, but it’s damn well better than aging out of an orphanage system in Russia (if they’d have lived that long). I never stood in line, praying for some girl to be coerced to ‘give up’ her child… I know the loss in my children’s eyes and hearts as well a I can understand without being in their shoes… in a perfect world their birthmother wouldn’t have been alcohol and drug-addicted and would have tried to keep them alive and healthy as possible. But in lieu of that, I feel like I (or another adoptive mom) was the alternative for them. Just my thoughts…

    • Believe it or not, I don’t hate all APs. I know I can come off that way, though.

      Sorry it took so long to approve this. I just realized one of my email accounts hadn’t been talking to me in days and figured out why.

      • Jillian

        I think I get you and wehre you’re coming from. Even though we are technically on opposite sides of this issue… I actually agree with you in many way… it’s a big part of the reason I went to Russia to adopt. Kids born in the US can and will almost always do well wtih their birthmothers even they were young, poor, or unmarried. That’s no excuse to tell someone they can’t parent… there are enough supports in our systems here that htey can parent just fine. There will always be some who are better off not parenting (particularly those who truly do not want to parent or are drug or alcohol addicted with it not looking like they will recover from it)… but to all those people standing in line hoping to snatch the baby of a young girl being told she should give up her baby so she can go to college, etc…. shame on most of them. My sister got pregnant at 17… her son is an amazing young man who graduated from college, has a good job, is in a great relationship, etc…. adoption would have been the wrong decision and I’m grateful for her and him that no one tried to push her into it.

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