If you want a baby badly enough, the Universe will give you one. (Oprah said so!)
That is some dangerous thinking right there. It’s led to the state adoption is in today. PAPs, who know that god and the universe want them to have a baby, will stop their ears to any warnings about trafficking or scams or anything else that hints anything, anywhere, ever went wrong with any adoption.It’s flat-out magical thinking: If I think everything is fine, it will be.
Then they’re shocked when their child doesn’t bond with them immediately, or when it turns out that woman was never even pregnant, or their child is damaged goods and the agency lied. Frankly, I wonder how often the agencies do lie. I’m sure it happens, but I’m also sure that the average PAP is so eager to take that child home that s/he doesn’t listen very carefully to warnings about FAS or RAD. Their love will fix everything, because that’s what the Universe wants. For them.
And they get what they want:
While the parents were discussing these questions, the children who were adopted didn’t understand what the fuss was all about. “I’m curious to meet my biological parents. I want to know why they left me. But it’s nothing more than curiosity,” said S Vishal, son of Shankar.
Whatever IS the fuss all about,my fellow bastards? We’re perfectly happy, adoption means nothing, and we never, ever think about what might have been. Just ask us when we’re still young, vulnerable and invested in earning Mommy’s and Daddy’s love so we’re not given away again. Why, you’ll get the most honest answers a kid ever gave to a question this side of “Who broke this?” and “Did you eat those cookies?”
Truly: Look how fast that poor kid made his need to know who he is and where he comes from acceptable to his parents and society. “I have questions!” Wait, Mommy’s expression says they’re bad questions. “Um, I don’t really need answers, I’m just curious.”
As long as people are eager to believe this, and unwilling to put themselves in our place for ten seconds, nothing about adoption will change. Children will go on being damaged, APs will go on being disappointed, and women around the globe who don’t have much money or power will continue to lose their children so they can be converted into “orphans” for the white, Western “saving.”
I bet this doesn’t happen with other kids. When non-adopted kids undergo a trauma, and they’re asked whether they’re OK and they say “Yes,” how often is that taken for a true and final answer? But anything adoptees do or say is evidence, either of how well we adjust or of some grown-up’s having done something wrong. So we lie at least as often as other children do–quite possibly more often. Professionals who work with young adoptees ought to know this, and they ought to probe further.
I hope they do, but my experience suggests otherwise. As an adult I was told by more than one professional that adoption has nothing to do with anything, and my insisting that it mattered in my life was wrong.
That’s what adoption means: something went wrong, and my family couldn’t raise me. My new family can help me feel better, or they can make things worse. When I’m expected to celebrate this trauma instead of heal from it, that makes things worse.