Things I Am Not

I am not a gift–and neither was my mother.

I am not a reward for the risk you might take in adopting me. I am not the subject of a Hallmark story or a Lifetime story.

I am not the subject of any story but my own, which should be mine to share, or not share, as I see fit.

I am not someone whose story began when two people wanted a baby very much. My story began when my first mother got pregnant, just like yours. I have a right to all of that story, just like you.

I am not a thing to be replaced by a teddy bear, and neither is my mother.

I am not a magical being who joined my current family because they (ping!) “made a wish.”  I got here because they went through the long, often frustrating, adoption process.

I am not Jesus Christ. My birth did not “redeem” anyone, and my mother was not damned until she decided to give me up, and she is not a heroine for having done so.

I am not an item you can purchase.

Finally, I am not the offspring of an infertile man and a woman who never gave birth.

I AM PART OF THE ADOPTION COMMUNITY*. Stop leaving me out and stop speaking for me.

Any questions?

*Try having an adoption community without the adoptees and let us know how that went, ‘kay?



Filed under AdoptoLand, General Ignoramitude, Stop Saying That, What It's Like

17 responses to “Things I Am Not

  1. Some of these links and the delusions they perpetuate are sickening…

  2. What’s really sickening is that I didn’t have to go looking very hard for them. Some are things I had bookmarked, but a lot are “top of the page” search results.

  3. cb

    I agree with gypsyqueen.

    Btw the “americanadoptions” link didn’t work but I went and looked anyway and found this as an incidental finding:
    Last paragraph:
    “Adopted children may not share the same eyes or ears as their adoptive parents, but their adoptive parents will be able to fill their child’s eyes, ears and hearts with the richness of love. By helping answer some questions for your adopted child, you will provide them with the freedom to enjoy a better life. They will love you for it. Fortunately for you and your child, we now live in a world where adoption has evolved into something truly wonderful for the children who are lucky enough to experience it. “

  4. Great list! I take frequent breaks from adoptoland because I can’t deal with such unicorn -rainbow views. I’m amused by them for a moment before I want to explode. Adoption happens like chicken pox, because the mother was in a situation where she was powerless. There are no magical birthfaries flying around dropping blank slates into the waiting arms of forever families.
    The industry that has been invented to “understand the adoptee” is laughable, they make a mint speaking for us.

    • Well said, Nancy! I’ve seen very few references to “the adoption community” that did not exclude adoptees.

      And the idea that anyone still buys into the blank slate thing is tragic. But I remember reading about some woman who expected an *older child* to be one, which is cruelty on a level I’m glad I never had to deal with.

  5. Mei-Ling

    I don’t get the last line marked by the asterisk. Maybe I’m just sluggish today?

  6. Yes! As always you are my forever yes!

    Is it just me, or does even the word “forever” skeev you out now? I didn’t even WANT forever stamps I wanted my own stamp.

  7. cb

    I’m an idiot lol

  8. NextInLine

    I’m sorry to respond so late — I’m a lurker but yes an adoptee just out of the fog and into a search/whatever the hell/hopeful drive and whatever comes from that. Just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your words. It’s so hard when you start and no one “gets it.” It’s so brilliant to find someone who speaks out fearlessly. Thank you.

    • Thank you for reading, NextInLine!

      And it’s easy for me to be fearless at this point–my readership is almost one hundred per cent adoptees who tend to agree with me. My readership is small, so I haven’t experienced the angry AP comments some bloggers get.

  9. “adoption has evolved into something truly wonderful for the children who are lucky enough to experience it. “

    Wow…..does that mean Ive caused my daughter irreprable harm by selfishly insisting on raising her? Funny, I dont feel lucky……must be the ungrateful adoptee in me coming out again.

  10. I wanted to add one more thing….
    Here in Australia we are just about to have the senate inquiry into forced adoption report tabled in the senate….next Wednesday is a VERY big day in Aussie adoptoland…..
    One of the things that has totally floored me is that the natural mothers are expecting to be allowed to speak for us too……
    It kind of leaves me wondering if Im ever going to be considered as an adult with my own voice, so very often we’re just the afterthought tacked on at the end…….

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