“Eddie, Are You Kidding?”–A Postscript

PS–Hey Russia,

Our son, whom we purchased from you, is dead, and we had to wait IN JAIL to stand trial over it. This is outrageous, and we demand a retrial. Just because our child’s corpse proved upon autopsy to be that of a starving boy who’d been repeatedly beaten until his face and head “looked like a balloon” is no reason to blame us for the suicide of a monster. You sold us a bad product, and we are considering suing you for the pain and suffering we have endured.

They think we killed him! Can you believe that bullshit?! It was totally FAS and he totally did it to himself and you know it.

Really, Russia, you should be ashamed. This seven-year-old boy beat himself and beat himself and starved himself and beat himself–and we were powerless to do a single thing about it. We’re only adult humans, and Nathaniel had superhuman strength. Just read the autopsy report! The self-inflicted head wound he died of took hundred of pounds of pressure to inflict. You told us he was human. We want our money back.

Nathaniel was a bad, bad boy. He managed to hit himself in impossible places. He perversely tore the muscles attaching his limbs to his body by wrenching at his own arms and legs–again, with force human seven-year-olds simply don’t have. He broke one of his own ribs! And all to make us look bad in the eyes of people who don’t understand how hard it is to buy a child and then discover he doesn’t know that means you get to control him.

We want his twin sister right now. She was in the womb with him, but somehow she did not get horribly damaged by their mother’s drinking. Nathaniel knew in the womb we would adopt him, so he took all the FAS for himself so as to embarrass us even more. We can tell because Dasha has managed to grow up just fine outside our household. We specified in our adoption paperwork that we did not want to buy The Evil Twin, and you fucked us over.

Please correct this oversight.

Signed,

Michael and Nanette Craver

Yeah, not so funny. I can’t do this. Rot in Hell, you pricks, and may you get your retrial to have it backfire on you. It’s the only way you might serve a fraction of the time behind bars you deserve.

RIP, Ivan Skorobogatov.

 

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2 Comments

Filed under WTF?!

2 responses to ““Eddie, Are You Kidding?”–A Postscript

  1. Your titles are tying me up in knots because I can’t really just say “I’m coming over shortly / because I am a portly. / You promised you could get me in a 50 dollar suit!” on a post about murdered children, but you make me WANT to.

    I’m so heartbroken over this story and the idea of them regaining custody…. Surely no judge would fall for that, right? Right?

  2. I do it on purpose. I’m not quite right in the head, and I’m always thrilled to meet another Zappa fan.

    Titles will return to normal when Zappadan ends.

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