“Jesus Thinks You’re A Jerk”

Very few things vex the spiky urchin more than the many people she’s met who can read god’s mind. It’s Sunday and I’m thinking of a few specific things said by the Adopt For Jesus brigade.

For one thing, Jesus was not adopted. (He had a stepdad.) But if Mary were pregnant today, she’d be visited by three wise social workers/agency “finders” who’d pressure her to give him up to a decent family, one that could buy him an actual crib at least. Or she’d lose him to CPS for giving birth in a stable.

Moses, OTOH, was adopted. We don’t celebrate that so much, perhaps because he snuck home to his first mother and rebelled against his a’dad.

No, we are not “all adopted by god.” Stop stop stop stop saying that. You don’t know what adoption is or how it feels unless you’re actually adopted. When you say everyone is, you erase me and my history yet again.

And no, God, if there is a god, and if that god is truly all-good, does not want you to adopt. He wants you to help widows and orphans, not snatch orphans from widows. If he’s the Christian god, he has said he wants for you to sell everything you have and give the money to the poor. This advice was important enough that it appears in all three synoptic gospels. Camel, needle, soforth.

No, God did not “call” you to adopt, “lay it on your heart” (?) to adopt, or convince you to adopt by “moving in your heart.” (There’s that heartworm from yesterday’s comments. Eww!) If you disrupt, he did not “use you” to get your child to the family you manage to dump him or her on. Take some responsibility for your own damned decisions, willya?

No, adoption is not faith in action. It’s not a mission. And this?


IS NOT ADOPTION, you righteous asses.

I haven’t read the whole thing, but I’ve never found a single verse in the Bible stating that orphans or the fatherless are to be taken from their families. I did find this:

Ye shall not afflict any widow, or fatherless child. If thou afflict them in any wise, and they cry at all unto me, I will surely hear their cry; And my wrath shall wax hot, and I will kill you with the sword; and your wives shall be widows, and your children fatherless.–Exodus 22: 22-24

and this

And the Levite, (because he hath no part nor inheritance with thee,) and the stranger, and the fatherless, and the widow, which are within thy gates, shall come, and shall eat and be satisfied; that the LORD thy God may bless thee in all the work of thine hand which thou doest.–Deut. 14:29

And this:

Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye devour widows’ houses, and for a pretence make long prayer: therefore ye shall receive the greater damnation. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye compass sea and land to make one proselyte, and when he is made, ye make him twofold more the child of hell than yourselves.–Matthew 1:14-15

Finally, no, adoption is not the process by which we convince Jesus to lop off the feet of innocent babies. Kidding!–nobody claims this–but WTF is up with these images? Seriously, where’s the rest of that baby?


No you weren’t.

You put those right back wher you found them!

No she didn’t.

1 Comment

Filed under AdoptoLand, Jesus Told Me To, Stop Saying That

One response to ““Jesus Thinks You’re A Jerk”

  1. Christina

    Bravo! I’m a Christian and I could not have said it better 🙂

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