Please stop sending your children to America. They are sucky and broken and they make us kill them.
We realize that might sound harsh. It isn’t like we want to do it; it’s that you fail to understand our situation. We, the APs of America, have a perfect right to the kind of adoption we could have had in the repressive 1950s and 60s. Back then, young women were easily shamed out of their own flesh and blood, and once they turned over the goods, they were never heard of again. That’s what we, as would-be parents are entitled to, and it’s monstrously unfair that we can’t get it for the asking.
No, it’s not easy getting an American woman to willingly surrender her kid now that she may not be shamed out of town for keeping it. And home studies are a giant pain in the ass. But we are supposed to have a child who looks like us, one as young as possible, and that’s where you come in, Russia. So many children–so many very white, very blonde, very pretty children!
Maybe you told us they had problems and we didn’t listen. Maybe you didn’t tell us, but we didn’t bother to have an independent evaluation done, as we would do were we purchasing a house or car. Maybe we were monsters to begin with. Whatever the case, we paid a handsome sum and went to a lot of trouble to acquire your children, and they disappointed us.
They have shown, for example, a disturbing tendency to perform the impossible task of beating themselves to death. Twins born in Russia have the remarkable ability to decide in the womb which one of them will absorb all the alcohol Mother drinks and which will remain pristine and unharmed by this. But mostly they disappoint us in not being the child we could have given birth to, in not being perfect, in not being what we paid for–all the while looking exactly like what we paid for. It’s not fair.
So we shake them. We beat them. We lock them in the cold to die. We starve them. We abuse them on television for Dr. Phil’s audience. We put them on airplanes with strangers, having decided they are “psychopathic”–again, without the benefit of a professional evaluation. If they piss us off enough, we kill them, at least sixteen of them to date. Then we blame them and you for it.
We will squeal like pigs if you threaten to cut us off again like you did after the Hansen case. But we’re hypocrites, and we’re really only interested in perfect children, so ignore us. Ignore us and build more orphanages.
APs of the USA
PS–We want our money back.
The below is an entire blog devoted to Americans who adopt, abuse, and kill Russian children. An entire blog. I counted the names of thirty-two children (at least sixteen of whom are dead) in the sidebar alone. Sue me if I think those kids would have been better off languishing in an orphanage somewhere, ’cause I do.