Ow! Quit it.

It seems that people can’t be involved with adoption, or have an adoption in their family, or be adopted, or raise an adoptee, or relinquish a child, or mediate, or run an agency, or write about adoption. Nope.

Instead, we all got…touched by it. No really, check it out: Authors in an anthology? Touched. Counselors for APs and PAPs? Touched. Foster parents posting on a forum? Touched. Adoptees who want DNA tests? Touched. A blogging search angel? Touched. Non-profit FB group? Touched. Oprah’s relinquished sister? Got Oprah touched.

Ewwww.

(“About 133,000 results.” Yeesh!)

Not only is this creepy as Hell, it’s a filthy lie. If I had to characterize how adoption has made me feel with such a metaphor, it would be more along the lines of “wedgied by adoption” or “upsydaisied-but-not-caught by adoption” or “started to sit down while it held the chair which it then yanked away so I fell on my ass by adoption.” I’m pretty sure many first mothers, adoptees, and adoptive parents feel this way.

It’s also very deceptive in its use of the passive voice. There’s zero agency here! People don’t adopt children, relinquish children, move children from home to home. Nobody corrupts adoption, or steals and sell babies. No, adoption just goes around quite on its own, touching random people like a blind pervert hoping his hand will eventually light on Kim Kardashian’s ass.

It does work for me in one context, however. Remember “Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire”?

That’s what being touched by adoption feels like to me. People poke me in that raw place all the time. Unlike in the cartoon, many of them don’t mean to do it, or don’t know any better, but it still smarts.

So, Adoption, I’ve obtained a restraining order. Your inappropriate touching will no longer be tolerated.

PS–Oh! I know! “Blindfolded and spun in circles and told to pin the tail on my own ass by adoption.” That’s not very catchy, though. Who’s got better?

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17 Comments

Filed under Stop Saying That, What It's Like

17 responses to “Ow! Quit it.

  1. Lauri Lee

    Bad touch!

  2. Love it! You’re so right.

  3. Omg, hilarious but truly stated!

  4. boo-baby

    I stole this from another member on another board but, “I wasn’t ‘touched’ by adoption. I was bent over and anally raped by adoption”. ~7rin

    (I would love to give her proper credit but 7rin is the only name I know her by.)

  5. cb

    Hilarious lol.
    Trying to think of some:
    Molested by adoption.
    Fingered by adoption.
    Impinged upon by adoption.
    Snickersneed by adoption
    (a snickersnee is a long knife so the above means knifed by adoption)

  6. cb, I love that word. I know it from a Gilbert and Sullivan song. (-:

    boo-baby, that sounds very 7rin LOL!

  7. Fabulous metaphor! Adoption needs to keep its perverted digits to itself. Your writing is keeping me sane, Snarkurchin!

  8. Thanks, Kara! It’s nice to know I’m good for *someone’s* mental health. 😉

  9. Touch by adoption possibly pisses me off more than any of the unicorn-rainbow speak we are subjected to.
    Tossed into the adopto-cauldron Smashed by adoption Impaled by adoption
    Perhaps the folks who won in the transaction got a friendly tickle, but the natural family and adoptee who got whisked away from them got a concusion.
    Why would anyone have negative thaughts about this friendly game of musical chairs, especially the “chosen child”? tisk tisk, musn’t be bitter, the entire situation shouldn’t have the fairey dust knocked of.
    Love the blind pervert comparison BTW.

  10. Blindsided by adoption
    Impaled through the heart and guts by adoption

  11. Touched? Yes…in every negative way possible. Slapped. Choked. Punched. and ripped completely apart. Changed forever. I don’t even remember who I was before I was “touched”. Carrying a child in your tummy for nine months and handing it over to complete strangers, as if it is “okay” does something to you….It tears away at your soul. So to say I was “touched” is a complete understatement. Love the analogy btw.

  12. I think it’s appropriate, since “touched” used to mean slightly deranged.

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